Unlock the front door. This can be done from the inside of the door, or from the outside if you have a key.
Swing the sign around to OPEN. Now it’s going to say closed from the inside, but don’t let that scare you! You’re OPEN!
I don’t know what you do, but whatever it is start doing it. Make stuff, bake stuff, sell stuff and then Reince.Priebus.Repeat.
4. While raking in the cash, limit your breathing around other people. Just hold your breath. Some of them smell unpleasant anyway, so I do it sometimes even when we’re not in the middle of a pandemic. Why do you think I never bothered to fill my cabinet?
5. If you feel sick you better hope you’re not recently canned, underinsured, or have Obamacare. In that case, just walk it off …but on your own time.
6. If you’re living paycheck to paycheck why didn’t your father leave you 413 million? What a dick. I friggin hate Bezos, but I will personally Amazon you some bootstraps.
7. Remember your stimulus check is just a loan that will be recaptured on 2020’s tax returns but, conveniently, right after I’m re-elected. Shhh, don’t tell those square states.
8. Stay open no matter what! Your store sells some kind of shit that people like. So keep selling it! Get creative. For example, say you’re selling footballs, just throw it at people from a safe distance. For inspiration, see my paper-towel chucking prowess in Peurto Rico.
9. Vote for me in November, but no mail-in shit! The Post Office will be closed by then anyway. Can you imagine when that bunch is all out of work? They’ll all go …well, we should come up with a word for that. But don’t worry, I will personally swing by the ICU to collect your ballots. So don’t die premaTrumply! That’s an executive order.
10. Last step, but an important one! Eventually, an associate of mine will swing by and say, “This is a reeeaally nice place you got here, shame if someone taxed the shit out of it.”
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