Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?

Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
Mick Zano

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, “I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps.” Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

There was a recent post on CNN.com that addressed this Colbertian phenomenon and it was a funny article indeed. CNN is now boasting they’re the ‘Colbert No Nomination’ channel. I think, since this “journalist” never admitted he was joking, he’s fair game, so let’s begin:

“Simply put: Colbert must be stopped! He is an existential threat to our way of life and to the exceptional nature of our nation.”

Dean Obeidallah CNN

Well said, sir! The Colbert demographic is an interesting one. His supporters are comprised of a Conservative amalgam, half of which are so disgusted with their own party they’d rather vote for a comedian in lieu of a legitimate candidate, and a second group so stupid they think Colbert is actually a Republican. These are two factions of our society so sinister that, were they to join forces, it would create a tsunami of neoconservative nonsense not seen since the last Republican debate. That’s my quote, not Dean’s. We are of one mind on this. Colbert could well capture the evangelical vote, because 1.) they are not happy with Mormons or any candidate from that “Cult”, and 2.) the best adjective that describes this faction of our society sounds very much like the word “Mormons”.

“I know some will dismiss the threat posed by Colbert — these apologists will defend him as ‘harmless’ or say he’s no more than ‘a charismatic speaker’ — but that is exactly what they said about Hitler.”

Dean Obeidallah CNN

Yes, Hitler was a comedian too. As people were marched into the gas chambers, Hitler would often announce things over the loud speakers like, “Later hosens!” or “I shot a Jew in my pajamas this morning. How he got in my pajamas I don’t know.” But if the drummer missed one of the ba-dum-dums, he’d shoot them in the head. Hitler took comedy seriously; what else could possibly explain his moustache? A covert group known as Monty Python believed Hitler was actually trying to counter the creation of the funniest joke—a joke which proved lethal to all within earshot. The joke, now just a footnote of history, actually helped America and its allies win WWII. True story.

“In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.”

–Eric Idle

Dean also had this to say:

“Colbert has not been hiding his extreme views. Night after night (or four nights a week to be exact) Colbert has been spewing his venom. However, for some reason, the media have given him a free pass.”

It’s kind of like Ann Coulter, only he has admitted it’s a shtick, well, not in some many words, but it’s implied.

“And let’s not forget that Colbert admitted that he makes up facts to support his own political arguments, as he gleefully boasted once: ‘I can’t prove it, but I can say it.’”

Dean Obeidallah CNN

Holy shit, maybe Colbert is ready for Fox News! While Fox News is ideology and opinion in the guise of a news station, Colbert is a comedian in the guise of a Republican. Now, CNN, infinitely complicating the matter, has a journalist posing as a comedian, posing as a journalist, condemning a comedian posing as a Republican. Some people might say I am further complicating things as a comedian, acting like a pseudo journalist, acting like a fool. But who the hell are you to tell me what to do? You’re not Winslow, so just piss off. You aren’t Winslow, are you? Because he’s kind of mean and grumpy lately (SOPA?).

Here’s some of Obeidallah’s other concerns with Colbert’s views:

On unemployment: “Suck it up, unemployed. It is your own damn fault that you don’t have a job … So stop scapegoating Wall Street.” Do we really want an American president who sides with Wall Street over workers?

—Herman Cain, er…I mean, Stephen Colbert

On Gays: “There is nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.”

—Rick Santorum, er…I mean Stephen Colbert

Immigration: “This is America. I don’t want my tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan, and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.”

—Michele Bachmann, er…I mean Stephen Colbert

When are Republicans going to get the joke, it’s them?

“Colbert has only two qualities I like: 1. He’s a friend of Jon Stewart and 2. He has good hair. Besides that, he is a danger to our Republic.”

Dean Obeidallah CNN

That’s a good one, Dean. I would like to further lend support to Mr. Colbert by adding, he exudes truthiness and, in both polls and his comments, remains well within the margin of error.

And that’s tonight’s word.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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