The Great Crank Hunter

The Crank

As for those Gitmo specials, some say we should bring them here and try them in civilian courts. Riiiiiighttt… Eric Holder’s announcement the 911 masterminds were coming to NY ranks up there as one of the most boneheaded moves of the decade (and that’s saying something). We could put them in a cell next to the crotch bomber, eh?  Others say, let ’em rot in Gitmo. But they will “rot” at a per-person cost to us greater than NASAs next ten attempts to blow up the friggin moon. Why should we pay for them to live in relative comfort, as compared to the damn sand holes they came from? Still others say, let a Military Tribunal take care of them. They had six years to do that and, so far, nada.  So I have better idea.  Two words…Hunting Reserves.

Now hear me out on this…because I think we are all missing the boat, as it were. Texas has a lot of land, and they have a lot of guns, and they happen to have a surplus of people on that land, who like to shoot those guns.  Let us also say that the state of Texas probably doesn’t harbor any deep-seeded affection for enemy combatants.  I say let the government buy up some ten-thousand acres of prime Texas hill country, release their asses, and tell them if they aren’t killed in 48 hours, they can go home.

My plan will give us all a thrill (even better than the one going up and down Chris Mathew’s leg) all the while it’s paying down the deficit!  Just think of it.  Can you hear the guns, Fernando?  I can.  We will simply let guys like the Motor City Madman hisself, Ted Nugent, pay BIG bucks to hunt them down with either rifles or, for the true adventurist, bow & arrow style.  You can pretend you’re Legolas from the frigging Middle Earth for all I care (although, dressing up enemy combatants like Orcs will run you extra).  Heck, you can have any theme you want: Dick Tracy villains, Batman villains, liberal villains…whatever floats your boat. Or, just give’em all day-glow orange turbans hot-glued to their noggins, and let the hunt begin.

Think about the money you could bring in if it was all nationally televised! This could bring together the best aspects of American Idol and Nascar all rolled up into one Uhmuhricun, larger than life, experience…and, er, larger than death.  Also, we would have very realistic Taliban tracking (VRTT) for our military recruits.  Hey wait, there could be wagering in Vegas on who would last the longest.  Isn’t Vegas still hurting about now?  (no matter how many times Zano seems to frequent the place.) 

We could call it the Towel Race 2000 or something. This plan would be a boon for the somewhat forsaken Texan desert cities. There could be phone lines from all America letting us choose the artifact of bodily injury that would be used on, said ‘contestant.’  Let’s not forget sponsorships? I can see it now, some fat assed southern hunter wearing his best “Remington” and “Winchester” logo gear. Let’s get the populace involved in the judicial process and help boost the economy at the same time.  It will help the heartland keep their minds off reality. It worked for the Romans for nearly ten centuries, and it can work now.

I realize there is one hang up—some of these folks were admittedly picked up wrongly….hmmmm.  Maybe just implement some form of slightly less violent “Wack-A-Turban” for dat bunch.  We could still make some cash, is all I’m saying.

And, if some libertard group starts a PETA group, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Al-Qaeda—lookie here, boys, we have more, said ‘contestants.’

Just a Thought

The Crank

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