Tweet Tower—The Vatican senses a great evil in the world, a disturbance in the force, an unholy bunching in the crotch of mankind’s panties. To the backdrop of the increasingly incoherent ramblings of the American president, Pope Francis demands action. By all accounts, Donald Trump is not the expected version of the antichrist, in fact, stark Biblical inconsistencies place his holiness squarely on the gobsmacked side of flummoxed. “The scripture insists the antichrist would come in the form of a handsome silver-tongued, charismatic leader,” said the Pope, “The New Testament describes a worthy advisory who would fool the world into falling into shadow—not a dickless, tiny-handed despot-wannabe.” The Pope quickly walked back his comments, “Fine, he may have a penis but it’s what we in Rome call piccolo. Look, we were really banking on Obama here; he would have been perfect for the role! Anyway, we must not take the gospel as gospel, we must take it with a pillar of salt.”
[Sodom & Gommorah joke turned to stone by the editor.]
Despite the Bible missing this one by a Jericho Mile, the Pope believes the time to exorcize “the orange demon” is now. The Pope has already dispatched his best team to handle this situation. The Vatican website is calling this exorcism a Special Possession: Executive-class Demon, and those close to the Pope are calling this Operation: You’re Fired-n-Brimstone.