The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the criticism that “he is not a true Christian” by saying, “Who is more Christian than me? The meek love me; they love me. Remember the trials of Joab? Yeah, if I were President he would have had a Joab and he wouldn’t have had to hang out inside a friggin’ fish all day. Teach a man to fish and I have some casino charter boats to show him.” In related news, the staffer who attempted to correct The Donald on his biblical prowess is currently Joab hunting.
The Pope told reporters today, “He says he’s a Christian, but I haven’t seen his papers. Can he present his Baptismal certificate? He says he has Christian values, but has he contacted his district’s Diocese? It’s easy. I would loan him the six dollar processing fee if I thought he was good for it.”
When asked if producing a Baptismal certificate would satisfy The Pope, he said, “No. When the Holy Water touched his skin, did he writhe in pain or exude smoke from his body? The priest who baptized Donald Trump needs to come forward. These details must emerge if we are to start taking this ass-clown more seriously. Not to mention there are an estimated 1.25 billion confirmed Catholics across the globe and none of them, repeat, none of them have hair like that. What is he hiding under there? Is it some kind of a horn hide comb over? Bring me his priest and bring his hairdresser! That’s not a Christian hair style; it’s an abomination.”
Donald Trump called The Pope and all those who believe he has not been baptized: “Waterers”.