Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to “knee cap shots only, from here on out.”
Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.
“He’s a Democrat,” barked Governor Justice, “which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow.”
Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is “extreme” and “unjustified.”
“Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one,” said Justice.