Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie

Mick Zano

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

For his latest exploits, Charlie started Sheen’s Korner, a new online extravaganza, complete with fart noises and endless “duhs.”

“No wonder the Discord doesn’t have his kind of audience. It’s Brilliant!” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We need to make better use of the whole fart noise genre. There’s a whole bowel of untapped potential in that area.”

Sheen told his audience, “Check it, you’ve been warned . . . a violent torpedo of truth—love or hate—do the math!”

Never truer words were spoken, which is of course a fabrication. Everyone from the journalist, to the talk show host, to the resident expert is predicting his demise—which would normally be a safe bet.

“This is like all my other clients; his story is their story,” I heard someone say.

Ahhh, none of your clients probably have millions of dollars to fall back on and over a million Twitter followers. Besides, none of them are quite as entertaining as this larger-than-life spiral into the abyss. Sure we find delusions of grandeur and manic narcissism, but there are porn stars in his housewith himright now. Half the country thinks that’s wicked cool (I’m talking about the male part, of course), even if some of them won’t admit it.

The Ghetto Shaman has commented on this Envious Sheen Phenomenon (ESP) and he believes Charlie needs to switch to hallucinogens (and has apparently already mailed him some). The Shaman believes Charlie needs to focus on his inner crazy and join him on his next Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise.

What the Shaman and the Zano do agree on is this: Sheen is opting for a third way. He’s channeling those thoughts in his head into some epic yes!, some eternal embrace of not only life, but something infinitely more important: sex, drugs, and transgender prostitutes. Oh, wait, that’s Murphy.

I am not a party goer, he is saying I am party. He’s talking about Plato’s party, like he’s some archetypal avant-garde astronaut (AAGA). You can use that one Charlie. You’re welcome.

“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

This is exactly what many geniuses and spiritual gurus might claim as they raise the frequency of their soul to harness those higher realms or spiritual energies. After all, there is a thin line between madness and genius—and Charlie Sheen has obviously tripped over that line in a drunken stupor. There’s a raw naked truth in what’s happening to him. There’s a message there and the message may seem garbled, but he represents us, right now, in the USA, 2011—as Frodo tells us, “Here, at the end of all things.”

Psychology and the realms of substance abuse treatment are of a single voice on this score:

You’re wrong again, Zano.


The American Psychological Association

P.S. Oh, and please stop sending us your bar napkin, drunken thesis!

See? Don’t worry, they always send me that—it’s a form letter. Here’s why many argue madness is a very different thing from genius:

“Even acknowledged creative geniuses find that endurance must follow intuition. Einstein’s ideas were not worked out in a day. It takes a great deal of discipline, and often many bouts of trial and error, to work out an idea. Follow-through is critical to the realization of an idea. Discipline is not a hallmark of minds in the throes of emotional distress.”

—Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today

Yeah, but you’re forgetting the fart noise…it’s such an untapped medium. And I’m sure Sheen gets discipline, probably with leather involved. What about Vincent “Ear Today Gone Tomorrow” Van Gogh? What about Jack “Bleeding Ulcers” Kerouac? What about the Discord’s own Mad-Dog mystic the Ghetto Shaman?

There’s supposedly a gene DARRP-32 that proves a link between madness and genius—a gene that actually enhances thought processing and creativity. This gene is even supposedly linked to schizophrenia, but I’m confused…schizophrenics typically have less activity in their frontal lobes, and an over activation in the dopamingeric system. Isn’t it cool that I know that? Not nearly as f-ing cool as fart noises. Damn you, Sheen, and your trend-setting flatulence!

Sheen seems to be channeling his manic madness and I’ve sheen this done effectively before in both my personal and my professional life. Of course, he clearly has some things working against him. Sure, prolonged sleep deprivation and enough speed to give King Kong the jitters can negatively impact the human brain—eventually irreparably—but what if this channeled madness taps into something profound? I say he’s effectively riding this mongo mojo, baby, or put more righteously:

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

How can you argue with that? No really, what does it mean? As for the drugs, if he has stopped, as he claims, we would expect some post acute withdrawal. Typically flavored with some depression, anxiety, maybe some insomnia as his brain adapts to life without whatever substances his brain has grown accustomed to. Such a cleanup period is not likely to be filled with excited Twitter feeds—unless someone finds bedridden, suicidal jags hilarious. Think of it as a prolonged hangover, or what I call my “undergraduate studies.” Now, if he keeps up his Life in the Fast Lane ways, we would expect to see a real decline in his mental health to the point of more CPS and police involvement.

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a rock star from Mars.”

The Ghetto Shaman may be suing him for plagiarism on that one, but clearly some “madmen” are tapping into the something other and can no longer translate what’s happening to the sorry Muggles they’ve left behind. He’s excited about something, but he is, as yet, unable to accurately convey his message to the rest of mankind. He’s like the Buddha…on meth.

All farting aside, there are many regressive themes in Sheen’s current predicament. The common drug addict de-evolves overtime, but much of the negative behaviors associated with drug use involve activities to support the habit. Sheen has no need to mug you in an alley, so his descent is quite different than most…for the moment.

Typically addicts, like schizophrenics, tend to have less prefrontal activity, as the mesolimbic system, or the reptilian brain (as Bone calls it “the Yig brain”) takes charge. But there are those who feel substances can be harnessed for more divine purposes. Right, Pokey? Not saying I entirely agree, but let’s at least hear what he has to say.


OK, besides that. The worst that can happen is we witness the dangers inherent with extreme drug use and the best that can happen Sheen teaches us something about ourselves, our culture, and our future.


Please, I’m trying to be serious here.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.