Liberal-leaning engineers are covertly altering coastal drainage plans to influence which political districts will be most impacted by rising sea levels. Directing our ocean waters into key swing districts through District Drainage Manipulation (DDM) could all but eliminate the unfair voter-redistricting advantage currently enjoyed by Republicans. This important initiative does not have to seek the approval of the Supreme Court, unless we direct some of the seawater into their chambers, of course, ha ha (which is actually part of phase II. Phase III involves some beachfront property that sounds like Bar-a-Blotto). Weaponizing coastal flooding is not a new idea—well, maybe it is—but the concept of District Drainage Manipulation has many left-wingers wondering, “why not make that blue wave happen one way or another?” The pilot is set to occur along the New Jersey shore. Many of today’s music greats are already on-board and are organizing a massive Live Aid-style concert this summer to fund Project Oceanmandering at Seaside Heights, NJ. Rumor has it they have settled on the name Flood The Vote.
Critics argue that these actions are highly illegal, potentially deadly, and unlikely to result in a blue wave, but rather a brown, oily, refuse-strewn one. President Trump seized on this theme by tweeting, “Chuck & Nancy should call this one Operation Make America Baltimore again.”
Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, is defending the project. “Isn’t it high tide we did something about the GOP? See what I did there? New Jersey is just the beginning; if we harness more swollen Great Lakes it wouldn’t take much to flood parts of Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin and critical districts in Pennsyltucky. Besides, if Republicans don’t believe in climate-driven sea level rise in the first place then why shouldn’t they be the ones who drown first? Hey, and if we coordinate schedules with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, maybe they could be raptured ahead of time. It’s win win!”
The District Drainage Manipulation Program is looking for potential grant funding and The Discord is doing its part by setting up a Go Drown Me page, which includes a convenient PlungePal account. Let’s all do what we can to ensure that Republican political aspirations “sleep with the fishes”, so to speak …ya know, before we all are.