Purge The Red Hat Menace! Report Any Deplorable Activity Today

Does your neighbor drive a gas-guzzling truck? Do they wear red hats? Do they suspiciously disappear for a couple of hours on Sunday mornings? Do they tend to switch from CNN to Fox News when left unsupervised? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be living next to a Proud Boy or, worse, a republican sympathizer! Wake up, real left-America, and ask yourself were your neighbors really just fishing on January 6th? Please report any potentially conservative activity to your local Safe Space Hall Monitor.

Tongue in cheek or not, we’ve all contemplated purging the MAGA-ranks with some Thanoesque snap of the finger or my Zanoesque equivalent where you just have to market it as the rapture. Two for one, today only! All souls final!

Besides the obvious GOPicidal karmic implications, each citizen has the right to remain as far-left or as far-wrong as they desire. Lately, I’ve struggled with accepting acceptance, but I’ve come to accept that. But for those planning to root out the MAGA-rebels via some full reverse-McCarthyism-style tactics, beware. Rooting out republicans and purging them from your neighborhood, office and other social circles is something that is coming soon, and is the dead wrong approach. How to stop this? I have no idea, but if left unchecked, cancel culture will stymie any chance for a more progressive agenda. Turning off moderate Dems is not a great strategy. This judgemental approach could prove the fly in the ointment, which is in no way an attack on the flies themselves, or their families. Or, a slam on any sellers of fine ointments in general. See what a pain in the ass you people are? Good thing I have that ointment. Look, any time you make a republican seem smart You.Are.Not.Helping.

I know it’s hard to play by the rules when one side has arrived to lay waste to our nation in Bison-Shaman form, but we must hold the Constitutional line. I remain opposed to censorship as a means to further cripple conservatism. If employed this will backfire, rather spectacularly. Any reason for censorship needs to be clearly justified and not selectively enforced. Fixing our country must never damage the core of our 1st Amendment rights. Zanon has spoken!

Any attempt to snuff out the voices of roughly 35% of our population is ill-advised. If we don’t figure this out, and if cancel culture continues to dominate the liberal zeitgeist, then the Democratic brand will continue to underachieve. Only if R is defeated on the merits—well, should they ever acquire any—will it finally crawl back into Rush’s …er, Newt Gingrich’s ass to die. Damn, I started this a few weeks ago. Ugg.

If Trump managed a second term I warned of the rise of Project Veritas, an army of Christian soldiers bent on policing multiculturalism. This group, headed by Erik Prince of Blackwater infamy, setup a compliance hotline for the ideologically impaired. Think GOPtimus Primal, or no-thought police, or Office of Inspectordeplorable …you know, a place any good Christian can report the first Bernie or Bust bumper-sticker they happen to spot on the highway. On that note, I already Sharpie-corrected mine to read Bernie or Bush, so Proud Boys just furrow their brows before speeding off. See? We can learn from Trump.

Project Veritas’s mission statement—to expose fraud, waste, and abuse—is in and of itself a fraudulent claim as they are randomly targeting liberal causes in a pseudojournalistic manner. That’s not to say at times they haven’t exposed real wrongdoing, but that is likely the exception, not the rule. The project is a blatant attempt to dismantle all things progressive as if the current Senate Minority leader’s obstruction, voter suppression, and gerrymandering weren’t enough.

And since his failed coup de twat, Project Veritas no longer represents the same level of threat to society. Amidst this new political chapter, it’s just been banned from Twitter. I don’t necessarily agree with this move. Monitored? Yes. Scrutinized and satirized? Of course. But to ban someone outright needs a transparent and clear rationale, aka an iron-clad case. I’m not sure Twitter offered one. My suggestion has always been to label damaging discourse with an emphasis on encouraging readers to ‘consider the source’ when forming opinions, aka republicanism itself should come with a warning label. Anything harsher will only make them wronger and stronger.

Do I doubt Project Veritas broke some platform rules, the stated reason for the ejection? Of course they did. But all ejections must be clear and egregious. I want the details. The right would never afford us the same courtesy and they’d be content to hunt liberals for sport in the name of freedom. Striving to be better than a republican should be a pretty low bar in 2021.

Consider this: if Twitter tried this move under a second Trump term, they would be the ones targeted by Barr’s DOJ. That is what was at stake last November. This is how close we came to open tyranny in the guise of democracy. Tempting as it might be to give them a taste of their own—wait, I’m being told they’re refusing their medicine. Hmmm.

My disgust with (R-Anywhere) runs deep, but how we approach positive change is at least as important as the notion itself. Republicans are clearly off the rails, but liberals are now poised to follow suit. That’s why the designation of dissident continues to resonate with this blogger. I have never been a huge fan of the word radical, or today’s liberal equivalent which is more reactionarian. I don’t always agree with liberals, but in two decades of blogging I’ve discovered that finding common ground with a republican is a fool’s errand.

Whereas republicans somehow gain strength from their own vacuous self-certainty, liberals tend to get lost in a web of judgemental nitpickyness. Stifling discourse is not the goal here. To be clear, I am not talking about the right-left debate, may it rest in peace, but rather the very important discourse within the liberal ranks. We need a debate between everyone from Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) to Bernie Sanders (I-VT). Anything that has ever made sense in the twenty years I’ve followed politics resides between these two poles. Anything right of it, which is the entire GOP, must be flushed. Creating a welcoming resistance that practices what it preaches, namely some inter-party acceptance, is the  key. A West Virginian dem will have decidedly different views and priorities than their San Francisco counterpart and that’s okay. We must allow both ends of the spectrum to coexist. Debate all you want, but save the real political attacks for anyone right of our Senator friend from West Virginia. We need a big tent to fight the opposing big circus. If you cancel everyone who utters some perceived insensitive phrase, you will be alone in your safe space soon enough …well, until the Proud Boys come a-knockin’.

[Knock knock knock’n on Heaven’s Gate joke caught the last comet out.]

The social media comment thread has only acted to amplify the knee-jerk pointlessness currently masquerading as today’s political discourse. To cut our losses effectively, we must save the greener shades of the debate. We are up against the simplicity and brilliance of a Fox News talking point. Underestimate this Foxal matter at your own peril. The sheer elegance of repeating an emotional snippet designed to evoke a basal-physiological response will win every time. Rush Limbaugh’s declarations struck with a dazzling clarity for millions. It cut right to the core of our human insecurities and fears. They are coming to get you, and they are not like us. It’s a lie, of course, but one that resonates with those of a certain developmental mindset. That’s not to say that there aren’t hidden dangers in any shift toward globalism, or in the creation of a more functional social democracy, but this should be the discussion. It’s not should we raise the living wage?, but by how much? It’s not should we attack disparity?, but how to mitigate this trend, just as it’s not should we try to save our planet? The debate whether or not to do the right thing has ended. We’ve placated these yahoos long enough.

Come on, Zano, what about the spirit of compromise?

If the American spirit of compromise was a drink, it would be Mad Dog 2020. Again, republicans always bring that tenth dentist to the debate, you know, the one who thinks brushing doesn’t reduce cavities. So for this analogy, compromise would mean brushing every other tooth. No. I have listened to republicans for decades and I’ve come to the conclusion that they have nothing to add to the world’s problems, unless you think exacerbating them is helping.

Whereas Dubya’s post 9/11 you’re either with us or against us rhetoric resonated, Obama’s more nuanced approach—one that relied on mutual goals and mutual respect on a country by country basis—simply did not. Conveying liberal views, which are by their very nature more complex, is hard enough without these linguist-nazis, tearing page after page out of our history books in the background like some inquisitional iconoclast on Red Bull. The irony? These actions are illiberal to the core. For one, it should be Green Bull.

If you’re truly enlightened beings, how about showing a little compassion? Christopher Columbus may or may not have been an asshole in the 16th century, but one thing is certain: You.Are.Today. Try lightening up. Stop picking on people living over four centuries ago and start focusing on the game at hand, which is tied directly to our ongoing existence as a species. Woke must never translate as joke. And right now, it does.

A cancel culture approach should only be reserved for those most egregious offenders among us, like Leif Ericson. That guy was an asshole. For a more contemporary example, the My Pillow guy comes to mind—which is, incidentally, why I’ve been cuddling up each night with a frying pan. Fine, it’s one of the reasons. My prediction? The right will mend their current differences and a new more spirited and unified group of miscreants will emerge from the uneducated ashes. Trust me on this one.

Remember, this is a faction that would quite willingly cheer the reign of an autocratic Christian warrior in the name of freedom. And the next  republican president may not be as inept as Trump. His gross incompetence helped us dodge that Fifth Avenue bullet, but this may prove a temporary reprieve. As for these new proud revolutionaries emerge from the ashes, think Kanye West and Gomer Pyle rendezvousing in the last scene of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

If we’re not careful, progressivism will further fragment into tiny pockets of like-minded intolerables.

[Deplorlabes v Intolerables joke removed by the Snowflake Foundation.]

My concern stems from last week’s Mandolorian Exodus, the firing of that rightwing Star Wars actress. Is this a precursor of the 21st-century version of a Red Scare? This is not helping. Besides, she’s one of the good galactic bounty hunters; who just needs a hug. Maybe she just needs a thousand-year time out in the bowels of a Sarlacc.

When liberals purge anyone for the slightest of offenses, they become Drudge fodder, ultimately aiding and abetting our political enemies through employing an equally nausea-inducing leftward intolerance. There’s also a danger that this insensitivity purge will have a chilling effect on those willing to continue as journalists and will only act to further dumb down progressives as they continue to only frequent their ever-narrowing liberal syllabus. This is not the way to close the gap with conservatism, period. I have done experiments right here on the Discord. Roughly ninety percent of my posts are pro-progressivism, but, if I dare criticize my own ilk, some viewers check-out on social media. Unlike and Unfriend.

“Sure this blogger seems insightful, but in 2017 he used the phrase ‘spineless sea louse’ to describe Tucker Carlson, which is insensitive to all copepods and their ectoparasitic cousins in the Caligidae family. It’s also a direct attack on all inverebrates in general, which encompass roughly 97% of all life on earth. I stand with my copepodinal brothers and sisters, and those trans-identifying siphonostomatoida.”

—Libby Snowflake, Inverebrate Defender

Still here? Well, there’s hope for you. But if you want to save the planet, grow a thicker skin …and a thinner one too, of course, for when shit gets warmer.

[It rubs the ‘multicultural-multitasking on the skin joke’ silenced by the lames.]

The republicans thoughtless worldview should sicken us all, but there’s a difference between justifiable censorship and this new brand of ex-communication. How, through such a thick moral-relativistic haze, can you defend the radicals of the Middle East with one breath while canceling Harry Potter on the other? They’re also attacking the actor/comedian John Cleese for homophobia, whose best friend, the late Graham Chapman, was gay. Both dressed up as women long before it was sheik. Most comedians won’t go near a college campus today for fear of offending someone, even the liberal jokesters. Kidding, comedians must be liberals and republicans must remain culturally irrelevant. It’s part of Ben Stein’s theory of Irelativity. I also remember Matt Damon daring to tweet the sentiment how “a pat on the butt should not be treated as the same offense as rape.” He was forced to apologize, so I guess you’re saying they are the same? So my term in federal prison is based solely on the person’s subjective perception of the offense? Great. Note to self: only hang with emotionally stable peeps, in case you bump into someone on the dance floor.

If Biden’s unwanted hair sniffing is the same as Saddam Hussein’s rape room, you lost me. In fact, you’ve lost a lot of people. As a former counselor myself, I am well aware that individuals respond differently to potentially traumatic events, but let legal consequences remain hierarchy and classification-driven. You should never be lynched in the town square for an unwanted hair sniff. Oh, wait, ‘public lynching’ isn’t PC either, so how about… no, wait, that could be deemed misogynistic… umm. Boy, it’s like that time in Vegas when Bald Tony and I …crap, I shouldn’t say that because it should stay there. Uh, it’s like the first rule of Fight Club, don’t… Crap! Now you’ve got me talking about Fight Club! You people suck …oh wait, ‘suck’ is homophobic. Can I still say fuck you? I believe I just did.

Nudging society toward less offensive practices and behaviors is fine, justifiable, and warranted. I am not condoning bad behavior, but I am asking for some perspective. If you were a perfect person you wouldn’t be in this dimensional plane of existence. Blocking anyone and everyone for some perceived offense will only act to make the 47th president a Fuck Your Feelings republican. Is that the plan?

Instead of working on infrastructure, disparity, fighting climate change, and making the world a safer place for our children, you can create a new dictionary of liberal-approved words and phrases. The vetting shouldn’t take too long, because it would end up pamphlet size. Make America bland again? Great project to focus on amidst the sixth and possibly final mass extinction for mankind …I mean men and women-kind. …I mean humankind. Grrr.

How about worrying about electing a liberal judge someday in the future, instead of hyperventilating over my behavior last night during last call? If you haven’t noticed we’re getting our collective asses handed to us, regardless of whether or not someone brushed up against it. Hey, and what if I mean to goose Kimmy, but accidentally goose Jackie? Can my sentence be reduced to pinch-cheekular gluticide? I’m not condoning this behavior, but it works in a pinch.

Some liberal journalists are caught up in this nonsense, ever ready to go on the attack like some green culture warriors. Playing the green girl. And these folks will be as responsible for the emergence of the next Trump as the Limbaughs of the world. If you’re going to turn off the discussion itself and banish anyone for some less than optimal wordsmithery, well, a certain Eric Carman 70s song comes to mind. And when you’ve finally closed the door on everyone, and you are standing All By Yourself, I will still be there, but only to flip you the bird. See? I can skip right to macro-aggressions with the best of them. No birds were injured while providing the Bronx cheer, which is no way meant as a criticism of those from the Bronx or the greater New York area who refuse, on principle, to utilize such a gesture. Wow.

Here is the new Zanon rule:

If you end up on a Drudge headline or a Hannity Segment and they actually have a point,

we all need to cancel you.

 

*One day after I posted 6 Dr. Seuss books will no longer be published for “racist imagery.” I hope we all get used to President Fuck Your Feelings. Horton Offends A Jew and Mr. Brown Can Mooove Out of the Neighborhood are probably next. And don’t Hop on Pop unless you have a good lawyer.

 

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.