Points: Why Republicans Don’t Seem to Make Any

The only thing Pokey and I can agree on these days is how we both speak different languages. Ich habe es dir gesagt, Herr Pokey! My friends list of top concerns is, in and of itself, very concerning. In 2015 we can all do better than conspiracy theories wrapped in delusion. Crappetizers? There’s clearly some stuff worth hashing out from his last post. Speaking of which, hopefully that “candy” will come in handy during this endeavor.

Pokey’s original feature is here, but this his list of Really Important Things:

1.) Reproduction is essential to sexuality. It is unvirtuous to seek sexual pleasure that purposefully avoids reproduction. Blah, blah, blah. Get off the babysitter, Zano, blah, blah, blah.

This is an important topic, but not for the reason Pokey thinks. Orthodox Christians and, by default, republicans believe the ecosystem will sustain mankind until the day the bearded man in the clouds either raptures us away or goes all Sodom and Gomorrah on our asses. I prefer Godzilla vs. Gomorrah, myself. That one was released during the apex of the Japanese monster movie genre.

Our views are clearly different on this one. After working with children for years I’d like to see an increasingly smaller faction of our society procreating in the first place. An inconvenient birth? Pokey wants to keep having babies and cut out all the other recreational activities involved, which is a noble endeavor in its own right…uh, but no one can hear you over all the moaning.

I also know our planet needs a break from humans, or at least the sheer numbers. This is not an ‘I hate people’ thing, it’s simply a fact. You just want more children to fight in your holy war anyway, Pokey. Fox Fodder? I don’t want any part of it. There’s a thousand reasons our society is ramping up in the moral-shortcomings department and I hope my parties have contributed in some small way. But it’s a gross oversimplification to pin it all on the pill. Is that what happened in Rome or Mesopotamia? As Forest Gump reminds us, as soon as societies get some level of leisure time “shit happens”. Life is like a box of condoms? We both agree on the damaging impact of the collapsing family unit, but this one is clearly a societal-wide problem that cannot be pinned on any one party. Even that Naked Hillbilly one, remember that?!

2.) Under the Presidency of Barack Obama, the State Department became less transparent in the forms of disappearing emails in relationship to IRS scandal and Hillary Clinton (Benghazi scandal), among others, while individuals lives became more transparent in the forms of Edward Snowden.

This is the only issue that I too have on my list of important stuff —well, at least the NSA/Snowden part. As I said before we are in agreement that our executive branch has too much power and our CIA has gone rogue. We disagree on the assignment of blame, of course. I blame those who made this expansion of executive power possible. Republicans blame the black guy. Regardless, I think this is one area we can both agree that more needs to be done. Rand Paul is moving against the Patriot Act, here, and kudos to him! I have always admired and supported Glenn Greenwald efforts on this matter and I would support the pardoning and returning of Edward Snowden. If nothing else because of his cool John Oliver interview, here.

3.) Eight months ago, you said that an individual business (in this case cake makers) could refuse service to any person (in this case homosexuals who are getting married). With all the court rulings has your position changed.

As a business owner I think you should always be able to serve who you want. Of course, if it’s done to single out a group, women, minorities, gays, the issue becomes more complicated. Bigotry in any form, even spiritual bigotry, muddies the waters. I still think ultimately business owners should hold the cards. Rand Paul and Rachel Maddow went toe to toe this one awhile back and Maddow actually used a Hannity tactic to box him in, aka an extreme example followed by an agree or disagree statement. I don’t think we need court rulings demanding people service everyone who comes in the store. What we really need is fewer bigots.

4.) A few months back you seemed to suggest that President Obama had gone too far in his executive action granting legal status to undocumented immigrants. I’m wondering if your position has changed.

I want comprehensive immigration reform, plain and simple. We will not have that until The GOP is willing to compromise their ideals and principles on this one, namely:

“Stay the fuck out, wetbacks! …except, you Enrique, finish the lawn first!”

—John Q. Republican

I am in the middle on this one. Obama is left of me and the republicans are, as usual, out in right field. Make no mistake, their all-or-none thinking will not allow for comprehensive immigration reform, until they reform themselves first. I will commence with the holding of my breath.

5.) I know that you hate the subject of abortion as much as the average Nazi hates the subject of the Holocaust, but my point is blah, blah, blah.

Sorry, I’m being told to abort this post. We’re trying to save server space and I tried to limit my responses. I will concede this much, this is the only topic you have a principled argument. You’re still wrong, of course, but at least for this one I understand your confusion.

I saw the big pothole we were speeding into well over a decade ago and republicans didn’t. They were too busy digging in the asphalt. Now that they FINALLY have some genuine misgivings about our future, they are wrong about how we got here and wrong about how to get us out, the usual.

I cover the bigger patterns and the things that concern me. Our grandchildren are not going to ask about God’s role in the Constitution, or Hillary’s emails, or whether we approved the baking of gay wedding cakes, or recreational sex, or Obama’s membership in the Muslim Brotherhood, or “How did we let Benghazi happen, daddy. You know, the real 9/11?”

They will ask:

We had the technology, why didn’t we shift to sustainable communities?

Why didn’t we shift away from fossil fuels?

Why did we fight terror so irresponsibly?

Why didn’t we regulate banks after a massive global economic collapse?

Why didn’t we do anything about the accelerating disparity of wealth?

Why did we allow individuals to buy elections?

Why did we stop caring about what was in our food and our water?

Why did we stop caring for our oceans and our forests?

Why did we ignore climate change for so long?

And the answer will be something like:

It’s complicated, honey, but for the most part one political party was very angry and very misinformed, so they kept us all focused on the wrong things and then they spent a lot of time and treasure F-ing a lot of shit up in the name of freedom.

Can I have some of that candy, daddy?

No, honey, that candy is not for you.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.