The Dumpster behind Comic Con—In an unprecedented move, the Geeks of America have united under a common banner. Their ultimate goal is revenge against all the people who plagued them through high school. The Geeks took time away from their coveted Las Vegas Comic Con to hatch an ingenious plot—which was quite a sacrifice as Scarlett Johansson was due to appear in her Black Widow costume and later Leonard Nimoy was going to recite Hobbit poetry in Johansson’s Black Widow costume.
Yet, instead of sitting in on all this fun, the Geek alliance compiled an impressive list of over five-hundred thousand bullies who had picked on them. Across the board, each of them will be asked to beat themselves up until they have bloody noses, or loose teeth, or at the very least call themselves girlie men in public.
Other ‘crimes’ have more specific demands. For instance, if a bully gave a Geek a wedgy, the Geek is allowed to own his wife as a sex slave for a week. Breaking someone’s glasses is a ten thousand dollar fine. Those who knocked over lunch trays will be forced to sleep in a bog naked until they are hungry enough to eat their own ear wax. You get the idea.
Of course, in the face of these extreme and very silly demands, these former bullies were planning to unilaterally refuse to comply. This all changed when the Geeks informed the world that, if their demands are not met, the World Wide Web would be forever crippled. They must have serious connections with its inventor, Al Gore.
General Mitchum agreed to be interviewed by the Discord, mostly because we have Geeks of our own. If he refused to talk to us we were going to demand he wear a bikini filled with fireworks and light them all off while singing every song from ABBA Gold.
Alex Bone: “General Mitchum, is shutting down the internet possible? And if that happens will the government step up to supply affected areas with free porn?”
General Mitchum: “I’ve learned to not put anything past Geeks. The Geek is the new super soldier. The modern Captain America is named Gilbert Poindexter. He holds a net-pad and can down terrorist pod-locations faster than I can reload an M-4.”
Alex Bone: “So are you saying we will have to bow to their demands? And what about that porn thing? I have a concerned friend.”
General Mitchum: “Yes, I’m afraid we have soldiers rounding up the people on these lists as we speak. Everyone who ever gave someone a purple-nurple is having their butt shaved as we speak. We already have enough ass hair to fill an airplane hangar. Not sure about the porn thing.”
Alex Bone: “Hairplane? What? Anyway, is there any threat to U.S. security?”
General Mitchum: “Perhaps, but it could certainly be much worse. If George W. Bush was still commander and chief we’d be in for it. He’s currently being forced to wash ten thousand pairs of soiled underwear in stilettos. Luckily for us Obama is categorized as a Geek and no charges have been levied against him yet.”
Alex Bone: “Good to know. Will there be any repercussions against the Geeks? And is there any chance you could loan me a Black Hawk?”
General Mitchum: “Sure, you can have Marion Hossa. He’s still injured anyway. Just remember to see to it he hangs himself by his jock strap from a flag pole for a good hour. He’s on the list.
Alex bone: What about the fighting back against the Geeks part?
General Mitchum: Are you kidding? These are IT types. If we fight back we’ll all have viruses falling out of our malware. This isn’t the world I grew up in, where a man could give someone a nuggy ambulance and the only thing they’d say back is ‘yes sir’ while handing over their lunch money. It was a simpler time.”
Alex Bone: “General, I just got a text from my Geek friend and he says you have to give me a Black Hawk…of the helicopter variety. And apparently you are only allowed to eat pinto beans for three months.”
General Mitchum: “Son of a bitch!”
So I need to wrap this up because I’m about to take a long flight. Hmmm…where to go first. Bald Tony and Max Chaos live in Vegas…hmmm. First Vegas and then maybe onward to Crescent City. The beaches are so nice this time of year. And then…
Oh, shit…I have to what? Crap.