New York, NY—Rupert Murdoch is denying the possibility his troubles overseas will result in any fallout here in the U.S.   The tycoon’s handling of his News of the World scandal is under considerable scrutiny this week.  Sadly, any cover up is proving difficult as his closets are already brimming with skeletons and the last rain exposed hundreds of other corpses in his backyard.  As his British Empire buckles, Murdoch is now defending his prized possession, Fox News.

Murdoch told reporters, “We are too biased to fail.  Just imagine a hundred million people unsure about how to respond to current events?  You’ve heard of the opiate of the masses?  Well, Fox News talking points are the benzos of the bozos.” 

Murdoch said, even if it is decided Fox must go, a five year wean-period would be necessary before “his viewers could muster even the most rudimentary precursors of independent thought.”  Later in the interview, Murdoch warned, “If we go cold turkey, viewers could turn to something worse than Fox, something even more extreme.”

When asked what could possibly be more extreme than Fox News, Murdoch said, “That show Hoarders.  You know, about those people who horde shit in their house.   That’s pretty fucking extreme.”