Man Who Lost Everything on Facebook Investment Vents on Twitter

Dave Blotchenski

Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

“I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else,” said Blotchenski. “Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face.”

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, “Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!”

He meant to type, “I lost it all” but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, “Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?” and “You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL” and “You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!” Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. “I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside.”

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.