The Grand Old Party has a different approach to harness the power of The Donald. During a recent phone conversation, RNC Chair, Reince Priebus, offered Trump a “more suitable position for his talents.” Mr. Priebus told the press today, “Iraq needs a strong man and the Republican party needs an electable one.” When asked how he convinced Mr. Trump to accept this new role, Priebus said, “I told him, think of all the global respect you’ll gain by forcing Mexicans to build a wall along the Syrian border. And then I said, hey, maybe casinos aren’t big in ISIS controlled territory because no one has tried them there yet.”
The Donald was initially “nonplussed” by the offer, but after he heard all the benefits of a full-fledged dictatorship, it peaked his interest. Trump is being offered complete control of a nation desperate for real leadership. Donald Trump told reporters today, “The country of Iraq has untapped oil revenue, torture rooms, rape rooms, and Prussian roulette, so what’s not to exploit…I mean, love? I’m going to call my first palace casino, Trump Allah’s. I’ll have a big picture in the lobby of both Allah and me, arm in arm, with chicks in sequined bikinis, cheap booze, and maybe a rainbow room called Al-Queendas. Under the right management I can make the Middle East win again, although odds will remain with the house. The guy currently in charge of Iraq, whats-his-face, Ali-Malikowsky, he’s bad. He’s bad. Remember how Bush said, we’ll stand down when they stand up? Well, after I break all their knee caps, that’ll be tough.”
Mr. Priebus explained, “Whereas our ability to suppress votes and rig elections is formidable, there’s still no guarantee that Trump will win the general election, at least in this country. Trump is guaranteed the Iraqi Prime Ministership, because it’s much easier to rig elections over there. Just stick your thumb in the disappearing purple ink, ladies. Ha, ha! Beside, isn’t it time we Republicans started cleaning up our own mess …and Iraq.“
When asked about the removal of Ted Cruz, Priebus said, “That’s even easier. We told Ted there’s a used car place over on East Main in desperate need of some real dealership. We even have the perfect mustache picked out for him.”
“I just knew the second you walked in here, ma’am, that you knew cars.”
Okay, kidding, the Republican party is clearly not savvy enough to make logical suggestions like these. Gems of this caliber can only be found on the pages of your most trusted name in blog.
*Ted Cruz’s mustache courtesy of Ron Burgundy.