Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow Into TelePrompter

Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow into TelePrompter

Washington—President Obama’s teleprompter has now been fitted with a Breathalyzer to assure each Secret Service agent’s blood alcohol level remains at or below that of Vice President Joe Biden’s. This new policy is the latest attempt by The White House to accomplish something before the midterms.

President Obama told reporters today, “I understand that boozing it up comes with the territory. I understand how, while on surveillance, it’s human nature to periodically vomit from the roof of the White House, and from time to time I myself have had to shake off the urge to urinate on FDR’s piano, but I will not allow this important function, which involves the safety of myself and my family, to devolve into a situation like…what was that name of that embassy in Libya that burned down?”

Republicans are looking to outsource the duty of protecting the president to either paroled white supremacists or known terror suspects, a move the President is calling “reckless and irresponsible.”

Obama later admitted he didn’t really listen to the republican’s proposal. “I just respond with some synonym of thoughtless. It’s worked out well so far.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.