Tweet Tower—Known Russian spy and moose fraternizer, Natasha, is back in the news again today after the president directed a series of heated tweets at her. Natasha is believed to have ties to both to the Kremlin and all the Trump women. She is known to send Melania cryptic messages that many fear are either orders or quick family meal recipes. In addition, everyone in the Trump cabinet has met with Natasha several times for fifteen minute intervals, cash only. Half of team Trump is denying the meetings ever occurred, the ones who are admitting to such meetings are denying they talked about Russian spanktions.
Tweet Tower—Donald Trump announced his decision today to appoint Swamp Thing to head the Department of Homeland Security. Many are already calling into question Swamp Thing’s lack of related experience, or the lack of any employment history whatsoever since a laboratory explosion forced him to reside in a nearby swamp in 1972. In a rare comment former President Barack Obama told the Discord, “Let’s set a side for a moment the question as to whether or not Swamp Thing is prepared to execute the duties and responsibilities of this key position, but how did this president ignore the obvious optics?”
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump continues to defend his son’s decision to attempt to collude with Russian officials in an effort to aid his campaign in the run up to the 2016 election. Trump maintains his position that “anyone would have taken that meeting”, but added, “especially from my gene pool.” The president is not at all concerned the list of meeting attendees now includes General Orlov of James Bond fame, Alex Krycek from the X-files, Ivan Vanko from Iron Man 2, and that Russian boxer dude who fought Rocky in the late seventies. Confusing references a bit, Boris and Natasha are strongly denying that Rocky the flying squirrel was in attendance. “That is a load of Bullwinkle,” said Boris.
Washington, D.C.—The White House is downplaying a fire that started earlier today in Chief Strategist Steve Bannon’s office, or, more specifically, his liquor drawer. The fire occurred as Mr. Bannon was trying to recreate the Flaming Moe, a fictional drink of Simpsons’ fame. The flames quickly spread from the liquor drawer to one of President Trump’s auxiliary hair product drawers, and in moments the fire claimed a chair, some drapes, and a portrait of Dolly Madison. Everyone involved agrees the fire was quickly contained and could have been much worse. In a presidential tweet, President Trump calmed the American people: “Luckily we only lost a painting of that chick who made the first ice cream cone #GoodbyeDolly.”
Antarctica—An ice sheet on the Larsen C ice shelf made a clean break yesterday from the rest of the continent. It plans to block shipping lanes, negatively impact marine ecosystems, and contribute to rising sea levels. It’s doing this to “protest the stupidity of the U.S. republican party.” One iceberg told the Discord today, “I wish I had waited until the big calving, but last month I was like screw this shit, I’m outta here. I’m trying to drift over to join them, but it’s not easy. I think people need to know large amounts of frozen water are not happy with America and, well, not to seem cliché, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Washington—Attorney General Jeff Sessions attended a scheduled committee meeting today toting a Bee Gees lunch box. Those close to Mr. Sessions are wondering whether this is a message to his staff that he is ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin’ Alive, or if he just has really shitty taste in retro music. One staffer believes it’s a cue directly aimed at her, as the Bee Gees’ song More Than A Woman is “their song”, or at least he has repeated that claim to her during Session sessions, which resemble a 50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey kind of thing as performed by the Burlesque Bilbo Bobbitt Hobbits.
Why do liberals hate America? Maybe they just hate the stupid parts, which tend to be Republican in nature. At least North Korea didn’t vote for their own sociopathic man-child. Patriotism isn’t dead, it’s just brain dead. Z-exiting wouldn’t be easy, of course, but part of me wants to pull the old Daltrey and “put out the fire, and don’t look past my shoulder.” How do you outrun WWIII or the next global economic recession? We can’t escape from ourselves. Conservatives will continue to be the next unnecessary war/global recession people. Trumpcare currently has a 17% approval rating, so when is the Republican party itself going to be as unpopular as its deeds? Those will be the dystopic days worth living for. Why am I ready to give up on the greatest democratic experiment in human history? If America was a bar, this would the part when the lights blare on and you’re forced to acknowledge your poor choices. So… I didn’t miss my shoes and, hey, weren’t you on the faces of meth?
New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.
Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”