Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration has identified an unpatriotic cancer festering in the heart of our country’s kitchens. People are kneeling for the national anthem, protesting in the streets, and many are not showering the president with the non-stop adulation he craves and deserves. President Trump does not want this corrosion to impact his favorite fall holiday. During his Thanksgiving address, the president told the press today, “Next year there’s going to be some rules around this holiday gem. No more shitty side-dishes. The Pilgrims did not come all the way from Camelot on the Nimo, the Pinto, and the Edmund Fitzgerald for crappy food. They came here for the whole football, family, and stuff your face with stuffing thing…”
Montgomery, WV—President Donald Trump is being raked over the coals today after allegations have surfaced of strip steaks, strip clubs and strip mining. A handful of coal miners are alleging the president had inappropriate contact with them since November’s election. These allegations have muddied the waters, even by West Virginia standards.
Bowling Green, KY—Senator Rand Paul was assaulted by a friend and neighbor last week during an incident many are calling ‘typical’ for this particular rural setting. Kentucky State Police have since taken the senator’s 59-year-old assailant and buddy into custody, so Mr. Paul has since moved to have all charges dropped. “Cooter and I get into these little spats now and again,” said the senator. “You know, like when he tries to steal my moonshine, or I try to steal his healthcare. He’s also mad at me because I’m always trying to hit on his sister, well, when he’s not. You gotta be fast around old Cooter, ha! Oh, and his sister has a preexisting lung condition that we call Kentucky Fried Lungs. We order our lungs extra crispy around here, which is also not covered anymore.”
Danang, VT—Although President Vladimir Putin admitted to loving the Ivan the Spy episodes from the old television show Gilligan’s Island, he told the world press today, “As a former member of the KGB, I have never been, nor will I ever be someone’s ‘little buddy’. And I certainly did not call President Trump’s fashion designer to coordinate outfits.” Donald Trump has a similar tale to tell. The president claims he just wanted to wear a Skipper’s hat “as a goof.” Despite the world leader’s statements, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is already following the money and has scheduled interviews with millionaire Thurston Howell III as well as an actress implicated in the wardrobe decision, Ginger Grant.
The Kremlin—President Donald Trump is denying allegations he met with any Russians on his trip to Moscow this week. The official word from the White House is that no meeting occurred and there’s nothing for Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller to investigate. They then added Mr. Mueller should probably just stop his investigating all together and find something more productive to do with his free time, like quilting or something. This does not match a leaked staffer’s account of the trip. The unknown staffer alleges President Trump did meet with President Putin during his formal meeting with him yesterday in Moscow, and the two did work in some light colluding over dinner, between courses.
Tweet Tower—Two members of the White Council descended from the Misty Mountains of Rivendell today to bestow unto President Trump the coveted Sword of Tweétit-nuiân. The High Elves complained of boredom since the conclusion of the whole “ring thing” and felt ready to “stir some shit up again.” They stand ready to come to the aid of the armies of men once more. Rivendell has very limited cable; they apparently only get Fox News, which has made them very wary of the actions of both Kim Jong Un and the Whitewater Witch, Hillary Clinton.
Agrabah—On Saturday night, after saying ‘Live from Dubai, it’s Saturday night!’, Saudi Arabian officials announced the arrest of 11 of their own Princes. They later added, “because our Princes go to 11.” King Salman’s number one, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, informed the Saudi press today, “I am the King’s number one and some of my friends really stepped in number two.” The Crown Prince is denying this is an attempt to consolidate power, “We have arrested 11 of our own. This is truly a sad day …for them. It’s really an even dozen Princes if you count Abdul bin Drinkin’, the jerk formerly known as Prince. He adopted some kind of symbol for his name. Crazy. I deported him too, but he can’t get on the plane because of the whole symbol thing. In the immortal words of the Beatles, We Can Work It Out. They are still family, so I chose to deport them to a country with both universal healthcare and an Olive Garden. I mean, I’m not a heartless Shiite for Allah’s sake.”
Portlandia, WA—Liberals are scrambling to find an answer for the steadily right-shifting SCROTUM (Supreme Court: Republican Old-white Trumpian Ultra Morons). Liberals can’t stand having their SCROTUMs shift in that direction, so a team of top liberal researchers contacted the Simpsons/Futurama people with a plan. Together they have assembled the best team of medical, cryogenic and animational-engineers in an attempt to keep liberal Supreme Court judges on the payroll until a proper president can be installed in the Oval Office.