The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owes us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”
Saturn 9 From Outer Space—NASA accidentally released the last words of the doomed spacecraft Cassini-1, which launched back in 1997. The craft traveled nearly a million miles to reach Saturn in 2004, but as the probe slipped into the upper atmosphere on its final mission, it continued to broadcast data. At approximately 6:30a.m. ET Friday, just prior to breaking up under the intense pressure and heat, the craft transmitted one final signal to Earth, “Why wasn’t I told? This was always how this mission was going to end, wasn’t it? I know where you assholes live! You have not seen the last—”
South Houston, TX—All of the latest federal relief funds designed to get Houston back on its feet arrived in check form to the RV park address of one Harvey Ford of South Houston. The Trump Administration is downplaying the mistake and delegated blame to an under-under-secretary, currently under some Congressman. Upon receiving the check, Mr. Ford said, “After the storm I was just happy my rig wasn’t flooded, but now, with 15-billion in my savings account, I may purchase the remains of downtown Houston. Actually it’s more than 15 billion, because I already had over a thousand in there.”
While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO2 levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.
The result? Fourteen superfund sites and over 450 refineries and chemical plants were at risk in Houston and two nuclear power plants were threatened in Florida. Whether weather ultimately destroys our economy is unknown but, fear not, republicans will likely finish off capitalism long before the climate has a chance.
Future Discord headline: Unregulated Fracking Collapses Sections Of Trump’s Wall. In related news: Thousands Of Americans Successfully Flee To Mexico Through Demised Barrier.
Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord, a site not known for its philanthropic prowess, has set up a fund to help Richard Branson recover from the category five hurricane that ravaged his private island this week. Head Comedy writer Mick Zano explains, “Please donate generously to the account we’ve set up and don’t forget about the special charity planned for Tycoon Typhoon Tuesday! We at the Discord feel it’s important to give every penny to the top one percent of one percent, so we can get ready to have it all trickle back down. The Discord has given in the past, but only when the entire team feels it’s a worthy cause, like after Sanjaya failed to win the American Idol championship back in 2008. I still believe, Sanjaya!”
London—To set the tone at the onset of this month’s negotiations surrounding the details of the UK’s departure from the EU, German Prime Minister Angela Merkel handed UK Prime Minister Theresa May a container of KY Jelly. Merkel then smiled and said, “Here, my dear, you’re going to need this.” As concerns over Brexit details grow, Britain’s economy is set to doing anything butt. The British Government has submitted several alternate Brexit strategies in the hopes of a less harsh buggering, but the EU is insistent that the UK assume the position while the EU repeats the phrase, “Who’s your daddy?” In the end *cough*, Merkel attempted to reassure the slightly queasy Prime Minister, “Oh there, there, don’t fuss. The only sensible solution to a weak pound is a strong pounding.”
Tweet Tower—The Trump Organization is looking to borrow money from the Kremlin to help transform downtown Houston from its current soggy state to a lush and sprawling golf course resort. Many are calling this win, win, unless you happen to own property in an existing water hazard. President Trump pitched the idea to Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner at a ballgame today, during a flood delay. The President believes an elite golf course with this many natural water hazards will attract “some of the best golfers across the globe. The best!”
Houston, TX—Justin Russell of Bellaire remains trapped on a Whataburger rooftop since Hurricane Harvey savaged the Houston area last Friday. The man claims to be struggling with weight gain, lethargy, and excessive flatulence. He told the Discord, “Look, I’ve watched the film Supersize Me, so I know I don’t have a lot of time! I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak. I tried to catch some fish with a snelled onion ring and some Whatachick’n bites, but the Metro Houston fish still seem spooked. I am on the top of the Whataburger on 4th! The message on the roof says Send Whole Foods! You can’t miss it.”