Dear GOP, What Is Your Infatuation With People Who Are Always Wrong?

Mick Zano

Doesn’t cognitive dissonance eventually reach some saturation level? If fed enough conflicting data doesn’t the frontal lobe eventually deflate or something? Neuralflacidity? I know conservatives get an unhealthy dose of spin, but eventually the dust settles and we discover what actually happened. And it’s never what they thought.  For some reason I was reading the Weekly Standard the other day and it struck me, the Standard is the brain-trust of the right, right? Yet who in their right mind would trust their brainlessness? Sorry, it’s the neuralflacidity talking.

Bill never-right Krystol is calling for the dismantling of the Iran deal and he thinks he has the plan and the prowess to help republicans accomplish this important patriotic feat. And by patriotic, of course, I mean treasonous.

“The best chance is to prevent a final deal from being signed on June 30. And the best way to do that is to spend the next 80 days pulling on the loose threads and poking at the fraying parts of the framework announced last week in Lausanne. We can heighten the contradictions, exacerbate the tensions, make unacceptable the ambiguities, and thus tempt the Iranians to decide to walk away.”

William Krystol

If Iran chooses not to play ball with the international community it may result in increased sanctions and or bombings. Granted the Ayatollah is a nut, but he alone has the power to make or break this deal. This has always been a long shot, but it should not be purposefully undone—especially by a republican pundit with a track record that makes Greece’s economic minister seem insightful. I have a lot of doubts and questions about this deal myself, but I commend the attempt. To resort directly to military strikes is insane, even by republican ‘weakly standards’. I am a spoof news guy and if I had Krystol’s record I would break said record over my knee and throw it out the nearest window. The Vinyl Solution?

Right now our own Congress is undermining the entire foreign policy of a sitting president. It’s not as if they have some viable solution they’re chomping at the bit to implement. Juan Cole has our grim Iran war prospects, here. They have nothing, or:

“Same as it ever was.”

—David Byrne

In their defense, it must be difficult to navigate their own self-created Shitlandia. That’s near Barf Harbor, right? The best hope for this incredibly daunting Iran deal is the fact that Krystol and his ilk say it won’t work. That alone should be enough reason to give diplomacy a chance. It’s like that Lennon line, all we are saying is…is give me money, that’s what I want!

I admit what Iranian zealots are saying to their base is disturbing, but is it true? I mean, it’s kind of like the Republican Primaries, all ginned up nationalism and fecal matter. Besides, nearly two thirds of our country would prefer if Congress stayed out of the negotiations, here. Majority polling is usually not my shtick, but republicans are going against the president and the people on this one. Oh, and did I mention their historical track record?! They have balls. No brains, of course, but balls of Adamantium. Speaking of X-Men—

[Chelsea Manning joke removed by the editor]

On a related note, Paul Waldman yanked out an old J.J. Goldberg article. Right before the Iraq War Bush received two visitors from Israel, Ariel Sharon and Benjamin Netanyahu.

Ariel Sharon basically said an Iraq invasion would have three results:

1. Iraq will implode into warring tribes of Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds.

2. You’ll be stuck in an Iraqi quagmire for a decade (boy, was he wrong!).

3. Iran, a far more dangerous player, will be rid of its principal enemy and free to pursue its ambitions of regional hegemony.

*Courtesy of that J.J. Goldberg article

George W. Bush, of course, thought hegemony meant a fund that whether the market went up or down would protect his capital. So he invested—I mean, invaded. But wait, a mere couple of months after Sharon’s visit Benjamin Netanyahu gave Bush the exact opposite advice. “If you take out Saddam’s regime, I guarantee that it will have enormous positive reverberations on the region.”

Wow, I can see why he’s so popular with republicans. All you need to do is always be wrong and you’re the next Fox Prom King (FPK). Oh, and I made the mistake of reading Pokey’s last feature. I’ve already addressed this stuff. Republicans tend to seek out quotes from an ultra-liberal professor, extrapolate said quotes, and then mold them into some widespread conspiracy theory. Rinse, blather, repeat. Again, the trick is not in finding some crazy liberal, it’s finding a sane republican, anywhere.

Hint of the day: You’ll have better luck finding a Yiddish theatre group in Damascus. Pirates of Shvantz?

So where are the republicans who are saying, “Let’s just see what the diplomats come up with?” That’s because, Polls suggest there aren’t any! Why? Because Foxeteers aren’t permitted to stray a micron from any Fox News talking point, or:

Historically Awry yet Always United on the Next Course of Action
Historically Awry yet Always United on the Next Course of Action


Meanwhile, Pokey, your ilk wants to sabotage the Iran deal before it’s finalized and then end any chance of a Muslim Reformation before it begins via a holy war, wonderful. Essentially your two step solution is 1. Start WWIII and 2. Awaken the Beast from Revelations. How about just swimming around Fukushima for a while until you’re a nice glowy green, and then you can do the Godzilla summoning chant (GSC). My friend Larry can probably show you how, if you buy him a beer.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.