DNA Reveals Santa Slayer Actually Just Santa’s Helper

Covina, CA — DNA results now prove the Santa Gunman, responsible for killing nine people and injuring three others on December 25th, is not the real McCoy. Sometimes Santa Claus goes on a killing spree, but sometimes, just sometimes, he hires a Blackwater-like group of mercenaries to do his Yule-time slaying.

“It is a sad day at the North Pole when Santa Claus has to outsource his hits,” says a former consultant to the Kringle family.

The disgruntled elf is very disappointed with his former boss’ behavior.

“Granted, the naughty list is getting longer, but if the fat bastard feels strongly enough about homicide, he should do it himself.”

Fat Bastard, annoyed by the comment, is suing the elf for slander.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.