The Pantsuit Prophecies: Hillary Hate & Her Scandals Deciphered

moby-dick-hillary

 

How is a Trump Administration still a thing in November 2016? Extinction is fine, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing. Why are patriotic people so bent on our destruction? Some of you are saying, “It’s all of the Hillary scandals!” You are correct, you simply neglected to add the word ‘bullshit’ before the word scandals. The Hillary witch hunt is perhaps the greatest affront to reason in the 21st century, and that’s saying something when republican’s comment on stuff everyday. I find myself in the strange position of defending the Great White Pantsuit. A summary of her scandals range from no wrong doing, all the way to very little wrongdoing. Wow. You do know she’s a politician, right? Can we at least agree on that much? There’s no way anyone in history could withstand this kind of decade-after-decade scrutiny, yet she remains strong. Let’s compare her with the best R president in the last fifty years, who illegally funded the Iran Contras and helped create Al-Qaeda. Out of respect, I left out his questionable performance in Bedtime For Bonzo. Hillary would have created Al-Qaeda, but she was too busy creating ISIS.

Now, just a few days before the election, too many deplorables are considering the unthinkable. So please return your sovereignty cards, slide your weak Constitutions under the door, and climb into the nearest tree for safety. A Rick and/or a Daryl will be contacting you shortly. In preparation for the upcoming apocalypse, mortuaries across the country are being ordered to kill the brain of the recently deceased. This procedure has been deemed unnecessary for republicans. What’s really going on? Can you spell mysogeny? Don’t worry, according to my spell check either can I.

Here’s what’s actually happening: the right created a liberal bogeyman named Hillary Clinton. They then created a real monster named Donald Trump to combat the imaginary thought-form in their brains. Unless you’ve spent years honing a false narrative, Trump is not an option. My criticism of Hillary involves her hawkishness, her unwillingness to embrace a carbon tax, and her general tendency toward right-leaning pragmatism. Hint: these are not your complaints. Meanwhile, republican complaints all rhyme with Svengali (I tried to work in Svengoolie for Halloween, but better luck next hearing).

Having chosen Obama over Hillary in the 2008 primaries and being drawn to Bernie in 2016, I can’t in good conscious make a strong case for Hillary Clinton. Kidding, my relatives climbed down from the trees long ago, so of course I can. Hell, even Inspector Clousseau could make a better case for Hillary, while fighting Cato, during a Zombie apocalypse… Daryl is the one with the crossbow.

Hillary scandals range from bullshit (BS) all the way to Business As Usual (BAS):

 

 Bullshit

Business As Usual

Benghazi: Less embassy deaths under Hillary/Obama = good. At least try to embrace math. We know the embassy attack score card is Bush (13) and Reagan (10) = 1 investigation. Obama/Hillary (2 attacks) = 13 investigations, which concluded no wrong doing. Got math? Email server: More to come, I hope. In this hacker-heavy 21st century, a private server is not a good idea. Who knew? Certainly not Condoleezza or Colin, or anyone in the State Department before her. This scandal, her worst to date, still rates a whopping meh.
The Death of Vince Foster:  Granted he did die and Hillary Clinton was on Earth at the time (sigh). Wall Street WikiDumps: Soooo, you think republicans will be harder on Wall Street? Really? I have read the transcripts for these speeches (yawn). Don’t worry, more WikiLame to come.
Comey’s New Email Revelations (server part 2): Whereas we really don’t know anything at this time, here’s my best guess: this will end with no indictment, a president Clinton, and a swift Comey exit. For an actual indictment, see Reagan’s Iran Contra scandal = 14. Clinton Foundation: This should be in the positive column of the Clintons. They do need to distance themselves from this impressive bit of philanthropy, but most of these startling revelations either come with a lack of evidence, or show how the Clinton Machine has always operated. Chutzpah-gate?
White Water: The FBI said the whole thing lacks any merit. This can also be said of anything uttered by Trump. To the GOP’s credit, water gate and white water both have the word water in them. Economically, the country spends so much time under water when conservatives are in charge, maybe they are the experts. Bill Clinton’s Shenanigans: Whereas it’s not bullshit, he’s not on the ticket. Although I admit, he should probably be supervised in the hallways. Mr. Clinton, you are not transgender, please exit the Lady’s room.

 

FBI/State Department:  This may or may not have occurred at all, but what we do know is that she was no longer at the State Department. Quid pro no? Pantsuit-gate: Not only are her pantsuits business as usual, they’re business casual.

 

 Good

 Grief!!!!!

Any one of the dozen or more Bush scandals, that were never actually investigated, top this crapolla. Of course 22-million emails disappeared during the lead up to the Iraq War. If you recall, this was during an actual scandal …called the Iraq War. There are other Hillary scandals, of course, but to even discuss those you need to be lowered into a pool of Breitbart.com staffers for a month with only Glenn Beck’s chalkboard.

Whereas I’ve never been a huge Hillary fan, Dr. Leigh wears I’m With Her pajamas, so I thought I’d ask her a few questions:

Zano: You sat through the entire Hillary/FBI Comey hearings back in July. What was your assessment of the email hearings, having sat through several hours of testimony with nothing but Red Bull and unfiltered Camels?

Dr. Leigh: It was a in depth witch hunt. Only 1 of 30,000 emails contained classified information, which was hidden in a paragraph well into the body of the email. Two emails contained retroactively classified information that was not classified at time of delivery. There were no emails with classified markings in the actual header, which is protocol. To me this seems exceptionally responsible given the margin of human error.

Zano: Comey was grilled for nearly four hours and there’s next to no good sound bites. That should tell you something. Of all the attacks on Hillary over the years, what bothers you the most?

Dr. Leigh: THE DOUBLE STANDARD! This is misogyny at its finest!

Zano: What do you think is Hillary’s greatest strength and her greatest failing?

Dr. Leigh: Her ambition makes her unfavorable whereas Trump’s, Bernie’s, Barack’s, and Bill’s make them all likeable. She is a straight-A student and the most qualified person for the job, possibly ever. It’s unfortunate that she’s unable to be vulnerable due to our societal standards. A little vulnerability would do her some good, but no one can contend with her strength.

Zano: I think her unpopularity involves an emotional reaction from conservatives. Do they have a point, or is their intuition as skewed as anything else these days?

Dr. Leigh: I think strong women invoke strong reactions in weak men. E.G. My friendship with you, Mick Zano.

[Dr. Leigh will no longer be working for The Daily Discord. We wish her well in her future endeavors.]

As Hillary weathers storm after bullshit storm, I like her more and more. Who’s ignoring Dem scandals? They’re just not all that surprising or interesting. Republicans are always trying to catch Dems on a technicality. Do I care if the Clinton Foundation may or may not have broken some obscure ethical statute or another? One of the most philanthropic organizations in history? I never discussed technicalities with Bush, ever. There was real shit to vent about, you know, like war crimes. During a Trump Administration I’m going to go out on a limb here and say any technicalities will be ignored as well. We can just check the freezer in the White House kitchen for body parts.

Slate article covered the latest Hillary FBI bullshit when it occurred to me: this piece, like most on the left, was clear and succinct. It stated what we currently know and what it might mean. The other side looks at the same data and jumps to: here’s what might have happened and then they extrapolate. Kidding, they just try to tie it into Benghazi. If she ever does really screw up, they’ll miss it. Hey, maybe these latest emails will reveal where she buried Vince Foster.

Unless they involve interns, Dem scandals usually fall well under the threshold of relevant. I like to think I would never cover such trivialities, even if they were legitimate technical fouls. Admittedly, the Clintons are the most questionable on the Dem side, hell, they’re practically republicans. But all of our friends on the right fall below the Billary-line, deep in Creepsylvania.

Breaking: Trump has a 10 point lead in Creepsylvania.

All of our jobs are a 1000x less complicated than hers and, yet, if someone scrutinized any of us as much, they’d find something. Remember how the average American commits three felonies a day, here? (My personal best here.) Apparently Hillary Clinton is the only one who doesn’t. She also got the best truth/ratio score from the fact checkers throughout the whole primary process. I know, I know, they can’t be trusted. Cue Breitbart.com staffers madly scribbling on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard.

When the GOP does strike on something of relevance, it exposes the underside of how politics has always worked, on both sides. Sorry, but none of the Wikileak revelations are astonishing to me. For an astonishing scandal with grave implications, you need a Republican.
After vetting Trump, you want to jail Hillary? If republicans think she’s a criminal that alone is the strongest argument she isn’t. I would call the GOP a shit show, but that is an insult to feces. We’re not out of this yet, as Noonan states, this is The Year of the Reticent Voter, so all bets are off. In other words, VOTE, and not for a third party. Bernie is not on the ticket so write him in at your own peril.

 

button32

(Visited 58 times, 1 visits today)

  9 comments for “The Pantsuit Prophecies: Hillary Hate & Her Scandals Deciphered

  1. Pokey
    November 4, 2016 at 8:32 AM

    An entity owned and controlled by Rosatam (Russian State Atomic Nuclear Agency) funnelled millions of dollars to the Clinton Foundation at the very time Hillary would have been involved in deciding whether to approve Rosatam’s purchase of Uranium One. (Hillary was a member of CFIUS, which was required in approval of Russian purchase of Uranium One) In 2011 Bill was paid 500,000 dollars to deliver a speech in Moscow. Hillary never revealed the many “gray area” transactions of the Clinton Foundation to her colleagues, the Obama White House or Capital Hill. In 2013 Rosatam announced plans to take 100% control of Uranium One. Uranium One made a bid to mine for uranium on state land in Arizona, near the Grand Canyon.

    There are hundreds more examples like this.

    • Mick Zano
      November 4, 2016 at 12:45 PM

      If this is true, it’s a pitty your party spent all of its time and energy on bullshit. Here’s the score days before the election: thus far 90% of the criticism waged against Hillary by republicans over the decades has been deemed crapola. Yet there’s always something breaking, isn’t there? Wind? Your side has marinated any truth in decades of Benghazi juice. This is precisely my point, there’s always something being hurled at her in real time. This is effective at both keeping the pressure on Hillary as well as covering up for the fact that all the stuff from last week turned out to be bullshit.

      Quickly, inform the magistrate, we have a witch!!

      • Pokey
        November 4, 2016 at 9:00 PM

        “If this is true” is the only relevant part of your response. “It’s a shame my party…” It’s not my party. “90% of the criticism…” I’m not talking about any of that 90%…I give you a detailed example with clear details for you to check and determine whether it’s true of not.

        Is it true?–investigate with a desire to know the truth, and you will discover that what I wrote is true. Do you care if its true? And if I had the time I could find you hundreds of more examples that show this fact–the Clintons, though avoiding technically illegal activity, have time and again profited by taking money from foreign entities and then coincidentally using their positions of power to help pass policies that strengthened those foreign entities, often at the expense of our national interests and security. Now, if Secretary Clinton would have accepted money from those foreign entities, she would have committed a crime. But of course, she didn’t. They are lawyers. That money went to Bill and the Clinton Foundation. So no crime committed, nothing to see, its just a witch hunt.

        • Mick Zano
          November 4, 2016 at 9:35 PM

          Yes, we will investigate as we always seem to do if a Dem is involved. Sadly, I always give the benefit of the doubt to the latest bullshit. I had a lot of criticism of Bush back in the day and, as it turns, about 90% was accurate. Meanwhile, you and your republicans friends have been wrong on about 90% of the Hillary bashing. That is not okay. What’s happening right now is a scandal. The FBI is leaking stuff to the Trump campaign? Fox saying this will end in indictment, four days before the general election, when it was a bullshit Breitbart bit? Even Comey’s initial decision to say anything was faulty. His decision not to indict and yet admonish Hillary was also wrong. He chose to interject right before an election, knowing less actual details than your average republican. Think about that. That is a scandal. It is impacting a presidential election and all you have, as always, is the latest floating turd in your factual outhouse.

          • Mick Zano
            November 5, 2016 at 3:48 PM

            I think what the rightwing needs to do is find someone legitimate, someone who can just stick to potential real scandals, ones arrived at via something called facts. You are not one of those peeps. Over the years you have chosen to regurgitate their bullshit without discretion, so who is it going to be? Who on the right has any credibility left? Bret Baier, one of the few Fox ‘good ones’, just broke that bullshit “Hillary indictment imminent” story. There’s no one, no one. Oh, I’m sure the next Cronkite will emerge from the Trump News Network (TNN). Your party is cooked and if they won’t go away quickly and quietly so are we. Oh, and i’m not predicting they will.

            “Republicans will be devoting the bulk of their energies in the next four (or eight) years to finding—or, if that fails, inventing—Clinton ‘scandals.'” Paul Waldman

            With all this misplaced energy, where do you find the time to deny climate change? Whereas the Clinton’s represent what politics looks like under a microscope, republican politicians represent what turds looks like to the naked eye.

  2. pokey
    November 9, 2016 at 8:31 AM

    None of this is news. You’re just listening to the wrong news sources.

    Like all other former presidents, Bill Clinton’s income from his speeches declined with time, especially those big paydays from overseas speeches. They declined, that is, until his wife became the secretary of state in 2009.. Coincidentally, his income from overseas speeches increased at the same time that his wife attained a position of power that garnered enormous influence over issues directly affected foreign governments. For example, Bill Clinton’s 3 best years for securing speaking fees over $250,000 occurred while his wife was the Secretary of State. Of the 13 Clinton speeches that earned $500,000 or more, only two occurred during years when Hillary was not Secretary of State.

    Of course this proves nothing of course.

    • Mick Zano
      November 9, 2016 at 9:23 PM

      OMG. I love ya, Poke, but you helped elect tard Hitler yesterday. Our country will be unrecognizable by 2020 and some possible Clinton speech shenanigans matches this how? Trump is going to be briefed on matters of intelligence and has none. This is called irony …in the form of a mushroom cloud.

  3. Pokey
    November 10, 2016 at 8:31 AM

    I’m simply proving to you that your “witch hunt” assessment is wrong. The Democratic Party nominating such a compromised candidate is what got Trump elected. You want to say that the Bushes are corrupt but the Clintons are Okay. No, the Clintons and the Bushes and other lifelong politicians become deeply corrupted by the system. Mr. Powers that Be told the American people that their “choice” for presidency would be between a Clinton and Bush. The American people stuck their Trump-shaped middle finger high up in the air. If it weren’t for Trump, this weeks election would have been between Clinton and Bush. Our founding fathers never envisioned politics as being a career. For the first time in our lives, we have elected a President who is not a career politician.
    Who knows, Trump is very unpredictable. Maybe he’ll make America great again; maybe he’ll start a civil war and nuke California. Let’s see how governs.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *