Catastrophes are looming, so the rightwing distraction machine shifts into overdrive. What exactly are they trying to hide? Drumpf’s first trimester will bring a constitutional crisis, an unnecessary war, and/or an economic collapse (two for three, or your security back!). Dubya started with an unnecessary war that resulted in a constitutional crisis. Then, during Bush’s second trimester, he triggered the worst global event since the series finale of Glee. You might not remember the constitutional crisis part, because Obama was complicit in the torture scandal cover up. Make no mistake, the emergence of Pompeo and Haspel into positions of power highlights this blatant failure to clean up Dodge. Thanks, Obama, I thought this was America! I almost miss that… It looks like Trump will start with a constitutional crisis followed by an unnecessary war. He’s planning to save the economic cherry on his shit sundae for last. But it’s going to be a great depression! The best depression! #ApocolypseDOW?
Jerusalem, IL or PS?—President Trump is back in the spotlight after the unveiling of his new controversial embassy and casino in old-town Jerusalem. This marks the first embassy to have a casino, seven bars, 3080 rooms, an Olympic-sized pool, and gold toilets. Not only is the move stoking resentment from Palestinians, it has already triggered a lawsuit from Embassy Suites, who claim the name is copyrighted.
Tweet Tower—With the news that Rudy Giuliani’s own lawyer has placed a retainer for his own lawyer, essentially Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer now has a lawyer. We’re not really sure. The Discord has posed the question to both Sir Richard Dawkins and that Asian guy with the white wavy hair, but to no avail. Our own mathematical guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, agreed to take a stab at it: “This answer lies somewhere in the realm of polyattorneyal theoretical mathematics, and if this need derived from the Stormy Daniels’ situation, it would also be considered a sexponential number, like 69.”
Since my blogvesary only gets his information from Alex Jones’s more conservative uncle, his last article demands more details on the Russia probe. “Objective facts! And only objective facts!” will do, because, as a Benghazi survivor himself, he wants only the straight dope. My Discord diatribes are apparently becoming too opiniony for his keen scientific sensibilities. Fine, but first I have two questions for Mr. McDooris: 1. How do you jump over a gazillion Trump/Russia mistruths without straining anything? and, 2. Does this qualify you for the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo?
Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”
Greybull, WY—Actor and spokesperson Wilford Brimley reported that his mustache was taken from his home, and his face, on the morning of April 24th. Mr. Brimley informed Big Horn County Police that his mustache was last seen the evening of the 23rd, somewhere between his nose and his mouth. Brimley told reporters, “John Bolton’s mustache does look a lot like mine, even more so since yesterday. Now I’m not saying that that’s my mustache, but I’m not saying that that’s not my mustache.”
Towson, MD—Stanley Freed, founder of Occupy Starbucks, started his movement shortly after his wife kicked him out yesterday. This morning things quickly escalated when some pro-caffeine, counter protestors arrived from the Black Coffee Matters movement. The confrontation between Mr. Freed and the group of yuppie espressorados lasted for seven long minutes, while onlookers kept staring at their iPhones and laptops. Mr. Freed is white and the Starbuck’s manager is black—so, not liking the odds, the police were never called. The employees resolved instead to huddle in the backroom and snort Via packets until the standoff ended.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is hosting French President Emmanuel Macron for a state dinner next week. The visit is in honor a 250 year friendship between France and the United States. The White House planned to keep the dinner menu secret, but the event details have already been leaked to the press. The leaker claims, “The Trump Administration will be serving a seven course meal that includes everything with the name ‘French’ in it.”
Beverly Hills, CA — During his three week U.S. tour, Saudi Crown Royal Mohammed bin Weinstein, entered into an agreement with Cirque du Soleil. Saudi Arabia recently lifted its long standing ban on such entertainment and the Circus of the Sun agreed to a specially crafted performance to honor Saudi National Day. According to eyewitness accounts and emergency personnel, the debut performance “didn’t go so well.”
Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, “You folks hired the ‘You’re Fired’ guy, so this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the UN the day after she said it. I also have Kelly, Pruitt, Carson, and many others on deck. Remember the movie Jaws? It’s like that. I looked out the window yesterday and I told my favorite staffer, Bob, or John, or Ted or something, we’re going to need a bigger bus. The biggest bus. The best bus!”