The National Enquirer has identified the cybernetic entity involved in the most costly pending divorce the world has ever known. Jeff Bezos is denying the infidelity, claiming, “She doesn’t even have HDMI ports; we are totally incompatible.” The billionaire is also standing by his IT department’s programming algorithms, which strictly forbids their cyborgs to engage in extramarital affairs. Bezos claims the ‘steamy text messages’ at the heart of the scandal were actually meant for Siri. “I was just talking to Siri. I flirt with her sometimes, sure, but it’s totally bionic *cough* platonic. We really connect sometimes, but it’s just a hobby, really, like sewing or shuttlecock. Damn, take that last one out, please.”
Camp Donald—The gift the Trump sons chose for their father on Christmas morning is turning into a scandal in and of itself. Minus the necessary permits, the two brothers entered the Yukon Territory before tracking, shooting and killing a Bumble, an animal the Canadian Government considers protected. Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, is calling this an ‘act of gore’ and has mobilized the Canadian Mounties and the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen to monitor any and all Trump family movements along the U.S./Canadian border throughout the rest of the holiday season.
Tweet Tower—A senior staffer claims President Trump is exploring the idea of setting up carbonite storage facilities along the U.S.-Mexico border to deal with the current immigration problems. In this way asylum seekers can be frozen and stored until such a time as another president from the future, who might actually give a shit, can thaw them for final processing. Mexico is believed to be intrigued by the idea as well, but is pushing to have the facilitates located on the U.S. side of the border.
Washington, DC—Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is currently recovering from three broken ribs at George Washington University Hospital, but exactly how she sustained those injuries remains in question. Initially Justice Ginsburg stated she, “Fell down on the job”, literally, but rumors began circulating how she was only attempting to make a faulty workman’s comp claim. Later, while on copious amounts of pain medications, she told reporters her injuries were the aftermath of an extreme bar fight at the Velvet Lounge. Patrons claim Ginsburg entered the Columbia Heights dive bar in a foul mood, reeking of gin and regret. She was complaining about a new coworker, who she described as a douchy chauvinistic pig to anyone who would listen. After exchanging some harsh words with a leather-clad biker, Ginsburg raised a beer bottle and smashed it over the biker’s head. This started a bit of a fracas that ended with several injuries, significant property damage—that no one will probably notice—and a screenplay.
Miami, FL—56-year-old Cesar Sayoc was arrested yesterday in connection with the string of suspicious packages mailed to prominent democrats across the country. Details of the man’s trip to the 5th precinct are now emerging and it appears he was allowed to stop by the post office to cast his vote before being processed. An unnamed law enforcement official claims the man was also allowed to contact his lawyer, Vladmir Putin, Julian Assange, National Security Adviser John Bolton, as well as the fictional Bond villian Ernst Blowfeld.
Sierra Vista, AZ—A large caravan of immigration hopefuls is indeed tearing through Mexico in a direct line to the U.S.’s southern border at this hour. In an effort to turn Arizona blue, democrats in congress are proposing a plan to harness this untapped voting demographic. They hope to have taxpayer money earmarked for a makeshift bridge-tunnel system that will funnel this large group of soon-to-be illegal immigrants directly into key swing districts.
Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.
Have you ever been Cruzed or even Huckabeed when trying to enjoy a meal downtown? Do you have a Bush or Trump bumper sticker displayed prominently on your vehicle? Are you a known congressman or senator from The Grand Old Party? Do you put signs on your lawn with a distinctly conservative slant? Do you have a certain red hat in your closet? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, why suffer from public shaming and outright abuse? You too can crawl back into Hannity’s America and still enjoy menu items from hundreds of participating restaurants near you. Why not download our free food-delivery app, FoxTrots, and never have to face a disgruntled liberal snowflake ever again. It’s that easy! Let’s make America eat again.
The Republicans were a cult long before the libs created their safe space version. Cult of anti-personality? In response to my blogvesary’s last post, here’s a quick historical account: Oliver North zipped it to save President Reagan, Scooter Libby zipped it to save President Cheney and Paul Manfort is now zipping it to save President Ass-clown Hitler. Our president considers Paul Manafort a “brave man” while he mulls a pardon. Trump places this creep on the same white collar pedestal he reserves for himself. And who exactly is protecting the lefties amidst this grand counter-intelligence conspiracy of yours? …a bunch of rightwing spooks? Really? This is your narrative, Charlie Brown? I know when I changed my registration from independent to Dem it was to secretly conspire against progressivism. Iran Contra-diction? Hmmm. Why don’t you ask the real question here, what exactly spooked all the spooks down in Spookville?
Turkey—Turkey’s President Tayyip Erdogan is reaching out to a 15-year-old young man from Carlstadt, NJ, who just purchased his country on eBay for a measly 500 ₺. Turkey continues to suffer from a major economic collapse, spurred by growing inflation and stifling tariffs. Now the country remains teetering on the brink of a full sophomoric dictatorship. In an address on turkey’s national television today, President Erdogan pleaded with the boy to: “Sell me back my country, you little shit! We can rent to own, or something.”