Tag Archive for political satire

Trump & Tillerson Promise ‘Light Footprint’ On Southwest Monument Strip-Mining

The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owes us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”

Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall

Nogales, AZ—An angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of ‘snowflake’ liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, “I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them up in the desert, but some started out that pigment. We are working with the people at AncestryDeport.com to sort out the real Americans from the wetbacks. Don’t worry, folks, many brown people will be constructing and/or paying for this wall. When the Feds swept the desert at the close of Burning Man, we picked up a whole bunch of progressive flakey, hipster-types, and that’s when I told AG Sessions, ‘Hold onto those freaks. I have an idea…”

[Sharks with firggin’ lasers attached to their heads joke removed by the editor]

President Harvey Wall-Bugger And The Rest Of The Meteorologically Impaired

While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO2 levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.

The result? Fourteen superfund sites and over 450 refineries and chemical plants were at risk in Houston and two nuclear power plants were threatened in Florida. Whether weather ultimately destroys our economy is unknown but, fear not, republicans will likely finish off capitalism long before the climate has a chance.

Future Discord headline: Unregulated Fracking Collapses Sections Of Trump’s Wall. In related news: Thousands Of Americans Successfully Flee To Mexico Through Demised Barrier. 

Top Seven Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Preferable To A Trump Presidency

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For most a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread, but now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, “We’re pulling out all the stops trying to create a Patient Zero, which will get this whole thing rocking and rolling. We have kind of an all-hands-on-deck mentality going. We would like to have the Zombie outbreak at least started before the next Trump speech or press conference. We are calling our initiative a Z-Nation upgrade.”

Discord Sets Up Mogul Relief Fund After Richard Branson’s Private Island “Devastated”

Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord, a site not known for its philanthropic prowess, has set up a fund to help Richard Branson recover from the category five hurricane that ravaged his private island this week. Head Comedy writer Mick Zano explains, “Please donate generously to the account we’ve set up and don’t forget about the special charity planned for Tycoon Typhoon Tuesday! We at the Discord feel it’s important to give every penny to the top one percent of one percent, so we can get ready to have it all trickle back down. The Discord has given in the past, but only when the entire team feels it’s a worthy cause, like after Sanjaya failed to win the American Idol championship back in 2008. I still believe, Sanjaya!”

DeVos Seeks To Pullout College Rape Laws To Protect: ‘Playful Rough-Hazing’, ‘Pussy Grabbing’ and ‘Just The Tip.’

Washington—The Department of Education plans to rollback Obama-era sexual assault guidelines in an effort to protect some harmless college antics and pranks. Education Secretary Betsy Devos is leading the charge to decriminalize all ‘pre-rape’ offenses and instances of inadvertent penetration. DeVos told the press today, “Not all miss-conduct is the fault of mister-conduct. Sometimes shit happens in locker rooms and frat parties across our great nation. It did for me and I’m a better person for it. For example take the ‘Just the Tip’ phenomenon. Even if unwelcome, the tip is just not sex. No one likes ‘Just the Tip’, so the situation is obviously some type of mutual misunderstanding, or mister-understanding.”

Mar-a-Texo? Trump Floats Turning Houston Into Giant Golf Course Waterpark

Tweet Tower—The Trump Organization is looking to borrow money from the Kremlin to help transform downtown Houston from its current soggy state to a lush and sprawling golf course resort. Many are calling this win, win, unless you happen to own property in an existing water hazard. President Trump pitched the idea to Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner at a ballgame today, during a flood delay. The President believes an elite golf course with this many natural water hazards will attract “some of the best golfers across the globe. The best!”

Media Mutters: To Err Is Human, To Only Err Is Republican

Ohio Governor John Kasich did a great job on Meet The Press last Sunday, but the host, Chuck Todd, not so much. He pulled a CNN. Don’t let someone come onto your show, sir, and suggest that liberals are the ones who need to soul search. We are the soul people, at least comparatively. If this is a war of ideas then building a 2K long wall is not an idea so much as a future construction-industry scandal. Republicans have elected two of the most incompetent presidents in our nation’s history—in the last five minutes. Don’t let them off the hook, ever! Granted, Kasich said a few sane things during his Sunday morning appearance, like let’s fix Obamacare not gut it, but how many republicans resonate with sensible? Kasich hung on until the end of the primaries, because he wagered his party would eventually break from stupid and crazy. I would never have taken that bet, in fact, it’s why I blog. From a political standpoint libs admittedly have bupkis to show for their recent efforts, but from an ideological, intelligentsia, and consciousness standpoint, the GOP can kindly go Bannon itself. Yes, at the risk of increased international sanctions The Daily Discord has successfully weaponized the Mooch’s recent auto-fellatio comments. Screwphemism? Satiric Missiles? Fine, I’ll work on that one.

Trump Wows Base With Invisible Border Wall & Man Trapped In Dead End Job

Tweet Tower—President Ass-Clown Hitler energized a group of Trump supporters today at a rally in Backwash, MS. The Donald performed a mime act his own tweets describe as epic, historic, and bigly mimely. He did an impersonation of ‘man trapped in White House’, ‘man juggling numerous lies’, and for his big finale he wowed the crowd with ‘man climbing away from stench of own comments.’

Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels

Houston, TX—Justin Russell of Bellaire remains trapped on a Whataburger rooftop since Hurricane Harvey savaged the Houston area last Friday. The man claims to be struggling with weight gain, lethargy, and excessive flatulence. He told the Discord, “Look, I’ve watched the film Supersize Me, so I know I don’t have a lot of time! I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak. I tried to catch some fish with a snelled onion ring and some Whatachick’n bites, but the Metro Houston fish still seem spooked. I am on the top of the Whataburger on 4th! The message on the roof says Send Whole Foods! You can’t miss it.”