Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!

Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

I think if you say a certain group of people are crazy, you should at least have facts to back up these claims. I do…and I’m just a pseudo-spooferest. The right, especially on AM radio, is always saying, “Those crazy liberals think”…and, “How can they possibly believe…?” They then typically follow this inflammatory statement with some combination of revisionist history, lies or hyperbole. Although, historically that’s probably a false exaggeration (badum bum).

Is the Tea Party the biggest obstacle to our recovery? I don’t think the Tea Party destroyed America; they only assisted with our bond downgrade and then cock-blocked us from any meaningful reform. Actually, Bush destroyed America. Naah, I’m still being factious. We just need to do the exact opposite of whatever Sean Hannity says. Yeah, I’m STILL being factious, because he did make sense last week when he told Ann Coulter, “We must hold the Norquist line,”…umm, am I being facetious? Is there a stronger word for facetious, like Mega-F, or omni-facetious? Hannity was so batshit that Ann Coulter somehow morphed into the conservative voice of reason.

Unless I have an ample supply of Nexium, I can only stomach about 15 minutes of the fair & balanced channel, but this week I happened upon a really interesting exchange. The “highlight” of this waiting-for-the-commercial-to-end-on-another-channel was when Ann told Sean, “Umm, we lost the raising taxes on the rich thing, so let’s focus on the battles we can win.” She’s right. And to all the rest of you, who haven’t figured that out yet, seek medication. This means a huge chunk of Republicana remains to the right of Ann Coulter…let that sink in for a minute. There’s someone named Michael Moore on the left, but most Democrats aren’t left of him. See the difference?

Look, Obama ran on raising taxes for the rich, loud and clear. His tax hikes are not dissimilar to Simpson-Bowels, which the GOP covets without actually understanding. And please enjoy my next post Ann Coulter: Voice of Reason. Yikes. It’s like when a psych ward is overrun with zombies so you decide to follow the chick who just got her antipsychotic injection. It’s the lesser of two inmates.

So who’s crazier right or left? Well, one of my main premises has always been this: the GOP’s destructive impulses are measurable. They’re already in the history books; they were horrible and they were many: from Iraq, to our bond downgrade, to alternate street parking. Their decisions fundamentally impacted our collective future, our collective prosperity, as well as our Constitution. Meanwhile, the Right’s main beefs always draw a whaaah? out of me, like, hey, Obama’s using the Patriot Act effectively! WTF? Or, Obama listened to the advice of the intelligence community on the wording of a press briefing! The nerve of that guy. Yeah, that shit keeps me up at night all right…going waaaah?

The woes of the GOP are generally propaganda generated fears (PGF) and projections that have yet to manifest. Obama’s going to take our guns…er, despite the fact he has a better 2nd Amendment record than your last candidate, or Obama’s going to break our economy, when it was already broken.

Over the years, I have further distanced myself from Republican “thought” and, yet, I have a much stronger grasp on what they’re supposed to be doing during these fiscal negotiations. They seem to have no idea. It’s like when you find a boy in the woods raised by monkeys, who would love to become Tarzan but is neurologically on par with George of the Jungle on ‘ludes.

Here’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Here’s what, if you were a remotely competent group of individuals, you would be doing. After all, you still have the House, for now. Well, no matter what happens in the mid-terms, remember, you’ll still have House reruns. Can you believe that last diagnosis?

The plans:

Comparing Debt as a % of GDP Under Various Bidget Proposals

Obama’s line is that top line. It’s where the negations are supposed to begin…on this planet. It’s nonsense, of course. Obama’s cuts are based on decreasing projected increases, which is a fancy way of saying slower increases, not cuts. Regardless, tax cuts for the rich are not on the table. You lost to America as well as to every credible economist. Better luck next proposal.

Hint: next time you nation-build in two countries, one of them entirely unnecessarily, let’s try to pay for that shit first, huh? And let’s end fecal conservatism once and for all.

If you make over $250,000, come January, life will still be swell. Of course, the GOP refers to these as taxing the job creators. After they say this, they must drop to their knees and face the Koch Brother obelisk to begin the ablutions. Meanwhile, these “job creators” were just fine under the same tax levels in the 90s…er, or any other time in history…er, or in any other country. Damn you facts!

Another key point of the Right’s “argument” is that taxing the rich will only run the government for four months, or for three months, or for 10 days, or for 11 minutes, because our government goes to 11! Umm, even Fox News has admitted it’s about 3.5 months, but by the time that point is translated by your average Foxeteer, you can subtract 90%.

Revenues to the tune of 3.5 months is close to the Zano proposal from way back when. I always favored some ratio close to the deficit commission or Simpson-Bowles. The bottom line, the Ryan plan, or the Tea Party plan, is clearly the worst strategy. If implemented, that plan would cause a double dip recession within about eleven minutes, because our solvency as a nation goes to 11! This is why voting for Romney was such a bad idea, besides the fact he couldn’t find China on the map with both aides. Every European country that went too austerity-heavy double dipped. It happened here too in the 30s and it happens every time someone decides to forgo reason in favor of some deranged version of Foxeterianism. Is there any other kind?

England, amidst their own austerity plan, believes such a lopsided approach has never worked:

“The IMF report argues that the best way to reduce borrowing, pay down debt and stabilize the economy is to boost low and middle incomes. This isn’t a new idea. In the US of the 1930s, Roosevelt’s New Deal raised incomes by putting millions of people back to work. But, as during the Great Depression, it’s a solution which is still reviled by the rich, the politicians they have bribed and the voters they have brainwashed.”

The Guardian

Sound familiar?

Simpson Bowles is a little austerity-heavy and might have triggered a double dip, but Obama’s proposal is not in the right zone either. This is precisely why we needed healthy Republicans. They should be trying to get us to that sweet spot between Obama’s plan and that Simpson-Bowles line. Currently Obama can ignore the GOP, and will, because they are batshit and only they seem unaware of this fact. This is a bad thing. We need them to take off the dunce caps and sit down at the table, or any real cuts will remain imaginary. If Obama does not do something real to change the trajectory of our debt by 2016, his legacy will suffer and so will our country. Regardless, I don’t think he’s going to make those hard choices without some prompting, so if no one on the Right even knows where to begin the negotiations, umm, we’re kind of screwed.

Despite the election, the GOP remains a haven for radical ideologues. They need to purge the zealots among their ranks and they need to do it now. Movement toward sanity is happening, but waaay to slowly. Hint: climate change is happening more quickly than GOP growth. I know, I know GOP growth is a hoax. I call people who think they’re reforming Growthers.

Face it, having a few more people come out of the Republican closet is not going to cut it. In fact, it won’t cut anything, as we will see soon enough.

Obama started the negotiations right where he was supposed to and, as usual, the GOP is….well…um…er…they’re so far out there…but, hey, that’s a lovely picture of the Voyager satellite, Mr. Boehner. While you’re out there can you take out that map that shows aliens how to find Earth so they come here to harvest our planet for brains, blood, and other body parts? That would be great.

Yeah, I know, but the rest of us have brains, Mr. Speaker, and we’d like to keep them.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.