Chicago, IL – The Onion’s Area Man, known for such cutting edge commentary as Area Man Depressed Despite Happy Hour and Area Man to Rent All Planet of the Apes Movies, has been seriously injured by Bat Boy. Bat Boy, of Weekly World News fame, is known for such controversial headlines as Bat Boy Uses Radar to Procure Hookers as well as Bat Boy On Ice!
The handlers of Bat Boy claim, “He’s just an excitable Bat Boy.”
They also believe Area Man must have taunted him, or said something to offend Bat Boy’s delicate sensibilities.
“Or he was just hungry,” added Gob Breenberger, editor of the Weekly World News. “Bat Boy eats twice his own body weight each day, which is why we don’t usually let him out unsupervised.” When asked why he was out unsupervised, Breenberger said, “I said usually, asshole.”
On a related note, Batman denies fathering Bat Boy and was unavailable for comment. However, the following entry appeared on Batman’s Facebook page yesterday, “If that psycho bitch goes for child support, I’ll introduce her to my Bat Bat.” Batman went on to complain about his continued efforts to find an appropriate name for his baseball bat.