The First Rule of Pizza Club Is Don’t Talk About Pizza Club

Bald Tony

Las Vegas, NV—Just a few short weeks ago, the Cosmopolitan opened on the Las Vegas Strip, and, of course, the Discord was there to cover it. Of all the neat and wonderful things to discover and enjoy in this newest Strip casino, the biggest surprise turned out to be the pizza place. I have been sworn not to tell anyone where it is. It has no name. Seriously…think of it as the world’s first speakcheesy. No, they’re not allowed to use that line.

Bald Tony enjoys a secret slice

It’s not listed on any of the hotel directory maps nor is it mentioned anywhere on the website, and the powers that be are very serious about not telling anyone where in the Cosmopolitan this little slice of New York resides. It’s already hailed as one of Vegas’ finest slices. All I can tell you is it’s located somewhere between the first floor casino and the rooftop pool. And it’s not just any pizza joint; it’s perhaps the best pizza this side of the Bellagio (an impressive several hundred yards away).

Mick Zano and I started the pizza hunt on the first floor, going from place to place, moving only by sense of smell. We did find it, eventually, on an undisclosed floor in said hotel casino. On the way inside, I made the mistake of telling Zano about how no one is allowed to tell anyone where this place is. Never do this.

A security guard came right over and said, very seriously, “Sir, we have a security breach and I’m going to need to ask you a few questions: why are you telling this man how to find this place and How are we going to keep this a secret if you tell people about it right in front of the place?”

The hotel guard was originally a New Yorker himself. He doesn’t work at the pizza place, but he already loves it. He then made Zano swear not to say anything to anyone about this establishment’s whereabouts. Zano, who can lie through his teeth with the best of them, said “sure.”

You may be wondering why Zano is already back in Vegas. You see, he decided to take this 28 day meditation/detox challenge thing, and where else would one want to kick off a quest toward spiritual harmony and cleansing than Las Vegas? I think Las Vegas is Spanish for The Enlightened Gambler. Did I mention Zano’s an idiot? I think, in retrospect, he’s going to need to detox from his first detox weekend.

The secret entrance to the Cosmopolitan's secret pizzaria

After the guard walked away, Zano snapped this shot of the entrance. If you notice there is no name and no sign. The squares you see lining the entranceway are a variety of album covers. I can now honestly say I’ve been to a pizzeria in the desert with no name.

The pizza gets solid marks, the dough definitely wins as New York style. Zano, another once and future New Yorker, agreed. He had a little problem with cheese to sauce ratio, but otherwise gave it a thumbs up as well.

Through hard hitting investigative journalism, I uncovered a secret of the secret pizza shop. They mix sourdough from San Francisco—which, yes, costs a lot of dough—with their own east coast dough. Of course, the exact ratio is on par with the Colonel’s secret recipe and then just rinse, lather, repeat and voila, New York style pizza in the Mojave desert.

Oh, and the pizza boxes are like the Beatle’s White Album, no hints there. I will consider letting people in on the secret location, for a price…

The roof pool at the Cosmopolitan Casino in Las Vegas

As for the rest of the resort, it was more Mick Zano’s type of place, especially the roof top pool area which has pool tables, ping pong, and plenty places to lounge—not every space devoted to separating you from your money. You could order a drink, plug in a laptop, and chill by the pool. It didn’t hurt having bikini clad babes frolicking in January. The place is unlike any other resort in Vegas because activities other than gambling are encouraged…even (gasp) outdoor areas! This place is making a statement: we fucking do things differently here at the Cosmopolitan. Coincidentally, this is how all the help greets you as you enter.

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