Brady Campaign Seeks to Disarm Military to Stop Gun Violence

Rick Right Pernick

If you think this sounds like political satire, think again. If you think most Discord articles sound like political satire, think again.  As reported on, the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence ,founded by former White House press secretary James Brady—shot and permanently paralyzed during a 1981 assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan—is seeking to confiscate our guns.  I am still not sure why, because they rarely hit anything.  Women refer to this phenomenon as “shooting blanks.” 

In a statement issued Thursday, the group’s president, Paul Helmke, said “America has seen an epidemic of horrific gun violence at churches, synagogues, workplaces, health clubs, high schools, universities, police stations, and now Army bases. This latest tragedy, at a heavily fortified army base, ought to convince more Americans to reject the argument that the solution to gun violence is to arm more people with more guns in more places. Enough is enough.” 

I do believe this would cause one major problem with the effectiveness of our armed forces.  Could you imagine the shock and awe of our enemies when U.S. forces charge across the battlefields with lawn darts, wiffle ball bats, and fuzzy handcuffs?  You wouldn’t want to hurt the wrist of the enemy as you drag them into a courtroom, would you?  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, right?  I’ve been waiting for Jennifer Aniston to do unto me what I would like to do unto her.  The stalking charges were eventually dropped, but I never did get my fuzzy handcuffs back.

 Brady’s Campaign is lobbying to take guns out of the hands of, not school children, but all military personnel past and present, and future.  Now If Ebenezer Scrooge had been packing some heat, those three ghosts would have been singing a different Christmas Carol.  For the life of me I can’t figure Jim Brady out.  It’s like he was shot in the head or something.

Republican Sen. Richard Burr of North Carolina seeks to protect veterans’ rights to gun ownership and is lashing out against the anti-gun lobby.  He is accusing the group of exploiting the deadly rampage to oppose his bill and plans to challenge Helmke to a dual (must run in the family).  He also plans to accentuate his point by going on a shooting spree (maybe for Christmas).

The anti-gun group is using the shooting rampage at Fort Hood as an example in its campaign against pending gun rights legislation.

“In light of what happened yesterday—a violent attack by an emotionally unstable (the first one ever?) soldier—it is even clearer that the proposal being pushed by Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina should be rejected,” said Helmke, in what has come to be known as the Helmke maneuver (which is strangely apropos, because it makes me want to choke).

Burr was quick to blast (pardon the pun) Helmke’s remark:

“In this time of personal and national tragedy when most people’s prayers and thoughts are rightfully with the families and friends affected by the tragedy at Fort Hood, one can only be amazed that Mr. Helmke would use such an event to try to advance his personal agenda.  It is a shame that this process has gotten to a point where some feel that they can exploit the senseless murder of American soldiers in the quest to secure personal triumph,” Burr said, as he stepped behind a fellow American, cupped his hands and compressed forcefully, expelling a small grisly piece of meat, possibly pork. 

Apparently Mr. Helmke’s personal triumph includes disarming Army personnel of guns (probably in a war zone).  Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a peace loving Muslim (well, at least until recently), who killed 13 fellow soldiers and injured another 31, was an active duty officer soon to be deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan.  Helmke apparently believes this horrific act of terrorism could have been averted if only the military had been disarmed of the gazillion some odd guns in the country before hand.  But maybe not having a Peace-loving Muslim (PLM) in the Army may have been a better start; most just change their name and move to Canada. 

“Now, if you will excuse me, I am just going to climb this tower near the square…Top of the world, mom!”

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