Missing Snake Found Panhandling in Boston Subway

Missing Snake Found Panhandling in Boston Subway

Boston, MA—The boa constrictor, Penelope, has surfaced at a busy Boston subway stop not far from where it slithered off its owner’s neck last week.  The snake disappeared on the Red Line of the T, or the L, or the Tube, or whatever the hell the name of Boston’s subway system is. 

Subway officials offered this statement: “We’re just glad the snake could adapt to life in Boston during a recession.”

When discovered, the snake had accrued over $67.43 in change.  Unfortunately, the snake did develop a serious meth addiction during its absence and has been irritable and moody, since her rescue. Whereas Mrs. Moorhouse is pleased Penelope was recovered unharmed, she has received several threatening phone calls from her pimp, Big Freddy Jazz, demanding the snake’s immediate return.  Moorhouse is also concerned the snake’s rehab stay will not be covered by the Massachusetts state Medicaid program.

“Boston is liberal,” said Moorhouse.  “But it aint that liberal.  And, as for the picture, I don’t even remember watching the Harry Potter series with Penelope, maybe she read the books.” 

Samuel L. Jackson was quoted as saying “Keep these mother fuckin’ snakes off these mother fuckin’ trains!”

Yig was unavailable for comment.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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