Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against “The Street’s” decision to define the roommates as “just friends without benefits.”
“It was an executive decision that we were not a part of,” said Bert. “And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!”
Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions. “They alluded to it,” said Bert. “PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband. We got the hint.”
Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.
“Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk,” said Ernie. “Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse.”
Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples.
“At least we still have imminent domain rights,” said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky “for a good many years.”
The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.