Geneva, SZ—The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is under siege at this hour. Spurred on by events in Tunisia and Egypt, billions and billions of subatomic particles have gathered outside the facility to protest the murder and unfair treatment of subatomic life. Many even blame the accelerator’s initial technical problems on such miniscule dissidents. One con-CERN-ing possibility involves the offspring of a futuristic subatomic particle actually going back in time to sabotage the collider. More on the Terminator Particle theory here.
“How would you like to be chilled to near absolute zero, hurled through a circular tube, and then smashed into one of your family members at near light-speeds?!” said a neutrino, who chose to remain unstable. “Mad scientists forced my own mother into an accelerator and for what, to discover some plasma like pre-matter? Is that really worth the loss of subatomic life?”
Spanning across the width of a pinhead, protestors at LHC hoisted tiny signs that read Life Begins in our Interstellar Nurseries and Star Stuff is People Too. One quark had a sign that read Don’t Tread on Me or Bombard Me at Near Light Speeds, MFs! Some even compared NASA’s head, Charles Bolden, to Hitler.
“It’s bad enough we have to worry about beta decay and gamma emissions, but be sacrificed to the research gods?!” lamented one lepton. “If they don’t close this bitch down, we’re going to decay it brick by brick. Remember, we out number you 10100000000000000000000000 to one. Did I mention my family has connections to dark matter?”