Do you or your loved one suffer from Obsessive Conservative Thinking (OCT)? Hi, I’m Bill Parks and this is sponsored content that I purchased for a beer from these assholes. My new program Feel Fox Free Forever is designed to reduce obsessive impulses that can jeopardize your own insurance coverage, or the urge to continually invent Clinton Scandals. Feel Fox Free Forever is designed for people just like you, who don’t know their political ass from a hole in the ground. Take the disorder known as Post Clinton-Campaign Disorder. This is a very real and debilitating disease fraught with a slew of fictional scandals against a woman, who, not only lost November’s election, but doesn’t actually even have a job! I know weird, right? …much like your political views. But you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore, and by silence we mean endless FaceBook hate-thread trolling. Using a new type of cognitive political therapy, we can get you back on your feet and petrified about real stuff again. Won’t that be cool? Just Google “Feel Fox Free Forever”, or “the other 4 Fs“ and let’s get you started on your journey into another even shittier political reality, this one!

Now listen to our phone directory carefully, because our menu options have changed:

Always thinking about Uranium One, but not sure what the Mueller Russian-probe is about?

Press 1 for Scandal Conversion Disorder.

Want to destroy the state exchanges that you or your family are currently relying on for healthcare coverage?

Press 2 for Suicidal Healthcare Disenrollment Disorder (SHDD).

Always looking for a way to bring down Hillary Clinton, despite the fact there’s no longer anything to bring her down from?

Press 3 for Obsessive Repulsive Disorder.

Do you feel, deep down, that Trump can do no wrong as a person or as our president?

Press 4 for Deplorable Personality Disorder.

Do you listen to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones on the radio all day and find yourself sometimes agreeing with them?

Press 4 for Delusional Radio-Personality Disorder (RUSH).

Do you believe Hillary could have saved those men at that Benghazi embassy? Do you think there are still tons of lingering questions regarding this horrible, country and even universe changing event?

Press 5 for Benghazi Compulsive Questioning Disorder (BCQD), or Dial M for Murder.

Let’s start your journey today towards actually acknowledging the constitutional crisis that we’re heading directly into, because your candidate turned out to be a fascist ass-clown.