Washington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and I think we all know who they are. So repeal and replace this, bitches. ” He then told critics today he will not require approval from Congress and can proceed with this triple homicide on an Executive Order. If this mission is successful and four Supreme Court Justice vacancies become open in the near future, the President has not ruled out nominating all of the members of Nickelback.
The President defended his actions today in a contentious press conference. “I admit I had mixed feelings about Justice Roberts. He did help me secure Obamacare’s place in history, but he has let me down on too many other decisions. So I decided the best course forward was to clean house and order that extra pillow.”
Details of Operation: Pillow Fight were leaked to the press in what many are calling an intentional move by The White House. The leaked information included a receipt from the CIA for four, not three pillows. President Obama responded, “Look, George W. Bush squandered trillions in Iraq. For the price of a few pillows I will be advancing the liberal agenda ten fold. Oh, and pillows were two-for-one at Target, so I actually spent less on four pillows than if I had authorized the purchase of only three pillows. Also, at the close of this important special ops mission, our nation will still have one pillow in reserve. I’m talking to you Justice Kennedy. Well, it wouldn’t be the first time the CIA took care of a Kennedy.”
Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is calling the move, “A sick joke even by our own usually nonexistent standards!” He is currently petitioning the President to consider using the fourth and final pillow on his head comedy writer for Crimes Against Comedy.