You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial “medicinal” effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics.  It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up.  We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

When the conversation turned to Mexico, I should have just mumbled with a fork full of red drippy deliciousness…just keep smiling and nodding like the stupid friggin’ redneck they all think ah is. I guess every family has their black sheep, and I am theirs—only in the form of a beige gorilla. So the conversation went like this…I happened to mention that, no, we did not “take” all the southeast U.S. from Mexico. Arizona was taken from the Apaches, not Mexico. Mexico wanted the area for themselves only after they realized it was beneficial to them.

I had been taught that there were no Mexican settlements anywhere in northern and central Arizona or New Mexico, only white settlers, a few black ones, and some Jewish Indians. Oh wait, that was a Mel Brooks movie. Sorry. Anyway, the same was true in Texas. We settled it when there were little to no Mexican settlements in Texas. Santa Anna wanted to tax the settlers, period. They dint nid no steenkeen badges, but a crap load of U.S. cash would work.  We did win the war, and Texas was ours. Mexico agreed that most of the land was ours, duh, with the exception of about 30,000 square miles of southern Arizona and New Mexico that actually had some Mexican settlements on it.

What part of southern Arizona and southern New Mexico we did “take” from Mexico, I said, we paid for. I said that Santa Anna was broke, and we PAID him, in GOLD, 10 million dollars worth for it after meeting him at a pawn shop in Mesa.  We gave him roughly 33¢per acre. Even The Donald would be proud.

Now here is the part I loved the most. After my little diatribe was done, I got looked at weirdly, and then I was actually asked what alien form of American History had I studied-chuckle-chuckle-snicker-snicker. I then mentioned that there is a plaque near my home at a line across southern Arizona on a map, saying it was ‘The Gadsden Purchase” etc etc. They (including a friggin school teacher) hadn’t a clue. Crickets…………….

I guess it was my imagination. I love being told I’m wrong, laughed at, then another dinner companion states “He still doesn’t get it, when will he see…” followed by the glassy-eyed stare, and “maybe we can get our own country.” I understand they are trying to do just that in Tucson. I can help you move. I have a truck.

By now, I wish I had ordered the something a much lighter. I was starting to taste bites I had eaten an hour ago. It was the reflux diet plan kicking in again.  And, let’s not forget, all this organic Italian food comes only with Pepsi…no Coke-eh, Pepsi. I was screwed from the get go. I mean grief, bullshit, attitude, smugness, all things I put up with regularly, and with a smile, I might add…but NO COKE? That’s where I draw the line.

My other familial liberal, Mikko, as most libs do, uses statistics whenever we say anything positive about Conservatism. Mark Twain had a quote he used, a quote he said came from the Brit Benjamin Disraeli:

“There are three types of lies: Lies, Damn lies, and statistics.”

Mikko also uses half truths a lot. Yes, there was one lawsuit that Acorn did win, in one of the most liberal courts in the country. However, they are still in the middle of suits all over the country that will not be settled for years. And it still does not change what their mission is, and was. You can ignore the likes of Acorn and the S.E.I.U.; I choose not to.

You Liberals, if you do wish to survive, have to realize you must stop insulting the rest of us. At some point in the near future, we will have had about enough of you, as Kirk did with Commander Kruge in The Search for Another Sequel. I’m sure I can make a sauce that goes with liberal. Most of you have forgotten just what the word ‘liberal’ means. Liberals have become closed-minded elitists that want to curtail free speech when it doesn’t align with their thinking. They call it ‘hate speech’ or ‘racism’. They are not above slinging mud in a way that makes Republicans look positively amateurish. And, when all else fails, as it does most times with Mikko, they blame Bush. “Bush did something like that at some point in the past, so all of you arguments are invalid.” No, not in real life.

The way I now look at it, if youse guys want to live in your own little rosy world, laughing at the stupid people, by all means, do so. I only wish I could too. The problem? Someone has to give a fuck. And, someone has to pay for it all. That would be us. In reality, if a Sarah Palin, a Rand Paul or a The Donald Trump does become President someday, it will be blood on your hands, my liberal friends. We would have taken all we could stand and will elect someone who you hate most. It is your choice, but paybacks are a bitch.

Note for the future: only meet with family for coffee. But on the bright side, I wonder if I could ‘bring-up’ a cannolli after it was eaten…

Mmmmmmmm, regurgitated cannollis.

The “burrrp” Crank