Isleworth, Fl—Apparently, it does. First it makes a sound like a golf club repeatedly hitting a windshield, then it makes a sound like crackling fiberglass and splintering wood. This account comes from a family of squirrels, who, now homeless, are filing a civil suite against the Woods-es-es.
The Daily Discord is the first major sponsor to be dropping Mr. Woods as a direct result of the incident.
“I can no longer support him,” said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. “A Cadillac, Tiger? Ram your Toyota Corolla into every damn tree in Florida, but I will not endorse a golf guy who can not drive a Caddy (pardon the golf pun). Besides, who drives around at 2:30AM sober? There should be a law against that.”
Mr. Winslow also went on to tell the press his intentions to marry Mrs. Woods.
“But when you email me, Elin, please say you’re technical support, or something. Talk in an Indian accent…Not Hopi, you stupid git, India Indians. Think of Apu from the Simpsons. Wait, my wife’s coming. Act casual, say nothing.”