Haitian Refugees Housed in Guantanamo Mistakenly Tortured

Refugees detained at Gitmo

The Red Cross reports massive widespread abuses to those Haitian refugees shuttled to Gitmo as part of the ongoing rescue efforts.  According to Army Major General Ted Jenkins, the glitch occurred as a result of a memo that failed to reach all of the prison guards.

In his defense, General Jenkins said, “If I forget to hit reply all, my emails only go to one person.  Or, sometimes I even reply to myself when I accidentally start from my sent folder.”

The General believes a similar error occurred at Abu Ghraib prison, when his memo, if you do plan to stack detainees into a naked pyramid, don’t take any pictures, was somehow mistakenly saved as a draft instead of forwarded to the intended recipients.

After hundreds of refugees were relocated from Port-au-Prince to the nearby detention facility, things quickly got ugly.

“I guess they figured business as usual,” said Jenkins, laughing nervously.

According to the Red Cross, the new arrivals were all subjected to sleep deprivation, waterboarding, walling, and sexual humiliation, or the ‘Cheney Special’ as the guards like to call it.   Thankfully, there have been no reported deaths at Guantanamo Bay since the arrival of the refugees.

“But we don’t usually report those,” admitted Jenkins. “Deaths tend to only come out after the investigations…but, hey, on the bright side, most of the folks were so thirsty they didn’t seem to mind the waterboarding.”

General Jenkins assured authorities all of the abuses would stop immediately, “Except maybe the sexual humiliation.  It’s kind of a favorite around here.” 

Earlier today, Jenkins told the Daily Discord he personally sent an email to cease and desist all torture activities.

“But I’m on wireless now, which is a little trickier,” said Jenkins, “but I’m sure they got the message…but what does Error Code 0x8000FFFF mean?  And what is a WiFi Troubleshooter manager?”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.