Gorillas, Bigfoots, Yetis, and other large primates across our great nation are not taking the Obama Administration’s current gun control policies lightly. Outrage is spreading across the heavily wooded regions of our country like wildfirearms.
CEO Pierce Winslow would like to personally apologies for that last joke: “We are working diligently here at the Discord to limit puns. My position on this matter has remained clear: like abortions, puns should be safe, legal, and rare. If you spot a pun that you find personally offensive, tell us about it, because pun spelled backwards is nup. And, frankly, a nup is a nup.”
And now back to our regularly scheduled faux article:
Bernie Stillman, a Bigfoot sympathizer and cryptzoo activist, feels that making it difficult for humans to possess guns is a “slippery slope” that could ultimately work its way right down the evolutionary ladder.
“I don’t even want to think about what would happen if our ocean communities lost their second amendment rights,” continued Stillman. “Huge schools of smaller fish would be at even greater risk of predation. It would be a free-for-all.”
Stillman has fought for the rights of a variety of species to protect themselves from the chaos of otherwise unfair and unfriendly ecosystems across our globe.
“If Obama is going to try to take away a Yeti’s AK-47,” warned Stillman, “he’d better beef up his personal security, or else he’ll end up like that inappropriate New York Post cartoon.”
Stillman backpedaled when questioned as to whether or not he was comparing President Obama to a monkey and threatening his life.
Stillman attempted to make light of the subject by adding, “Fuck Islam.”