Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That

Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

For anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine, how about we book you the Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’. Boots on the ground? How about a boot up your asses? I realize we’re all short attention spambots these days, but if we forget every historical lesson, every time—between the couch and the flippin’ fridge—why do I bother with all this [*********] blogging?!

[The word insightful removed by the editor]

The ONLY glimmer of insight from the Drudgelands in the last decade was this shift away from Fox’s Chicken Hawk Syndrome. Obama’s recent soiree into stupidity has me flummoxed and I’m rarely flummoxed. Is Obama caving to public opinion? Are there too many morons on both sides of the aisle offering advice? Is ISIS more of a threat than they seem? Will the McMillian Pub management lift my recent ban from their establishment?

I just went off on Hillary’s foreign policy, here, and now Obama is doing this shit?

“He committed himself and us to a victory we cannot achieve in two countries we cannot control with the aid of allies we cannot trust. And, worse, he has done so by evading the key Constitutional requirement that a declaration of war be made by the Congress.”

Andrew Sullivan

I am not freaking out as much as Andrew, because drones, special ops and air strikes will continue to be necessary in the Middle East for a long, long time. And I’m, frankly, fine with that. But I do not want to arm anyone, save maybe the Kurds, and no significant boots on the ground. Advisors and special ops, maybe. But no arming Syrian rebels! Broader air strikes will need to occur with someone else’s boots on the ground, but whose? As predicted, Coalitions post Bush will be tough and Obama’s is going to be meh at best. Maybe he should call it Coalition of the Good Luck with ThatFor all intents and purposes, we’ve been alone since about 2004. And the GOP keeps knocking justice from 30,000 feet. Today it’s all we’ve got. Thanks.

Dear Mr. President,

Of course your generals want to play with all of their toys. That’s what generals do, but it doesn’t mean it’s the best overall policy. Every intervention thus far has created even more radical splinter groups. Thankfully you held your ground on those boots on the ground, but you cannot afford to screw up, sir. Arming Syrian rebels is dumb.  Saying we’ll wipe out ISIS is dumb. Leave dumb for those who have already mastered this adjective. The first hint that your plan was dumb was the resounding bipartisan approval it met in Congress.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. I want the sweater I knitted you back.

We have a rare opportunity to completely marginalize the batshit right. So get it together, sir. I do not, circa 2016, want to see a republican president denounce ISIS and then start a war with the Egyptian Goddess of Love.

Earlier today, President Perry ordered air strikes that laid waste to the Egyptian step pyramid of Zosar. Outside of the remains of the Third Dynasty structure, Perry asked Defense Secretary Cruz, “WTF? Why didn’t she come out?”

The various militias in the Middle East should not get any more of our toys? They end up using them against us. The Onion nailed it: Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups.  See, I thought spoof newsers were just smarter than republicans, but if we become the overall experts and authority on everything… (gulp). I would say Big Gulp but then Mayor Bloomberg would confiscate that last sentence.

No one has ever said, “Hey, Zano you’re the voice of reason.” People have said, boy”, if you’re the voice of reason, Zano, we’re in big trouble.” We are in big trouble…

I could actually understand folks seeking a third viable option or party but returning to the Bushies for guidance is like asking Marion Berry to guard your stash. To take one more step beyond, everyone is looking to Mitt Romney for answers. This cannot be overstated enough: Republican chicken hawks are the assholes who got us here and today they are arguably even less insightful. I watched what every republican said on foreign policy in the last two primaries, and besides Paul 1 and Paul 2, they don’t have a sliver of an inkling of a quark of a grasp on reality [editor not touching that one.]

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Congressman Todd Aiken reminds us: when someone has a brain, the GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down. Republicans are only taking applications from those promising to amplify the disparity of wealth and rule the rest of the world with an iron fist. You know, part Hoover part Hitler.

Someone recently noted Eisenhower’s exit captures the essence of the Obama Doctrine. I agree.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies.

“Halfway through this President’s second term, negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program have, at last, a realistic chance for success. Russia’s recent aggressions in eastern Ukraine may end in an uneasy truce. The gains have been unshowy and incremental. But when your aim is to conduct a responsive and responsible foreign policy, the avoidance of stupid things is often the avoidance of bloodshed and unforeseen strife. History suggests that it is not a mantra to be derided or dismissed.”

David Remnick

Our neocons have taught us all only one thing, just how ineffective and tragic a poorly conceived military campaign can be. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group. Saber babbling?

So to all of you know-nothing Obama blamers, I don’t know what our President should do about ISIS and neither do you. I would not want to be in his golf shoes. But in 2003 Bush had a clear and easy choice to make on Iraq. He made the wrong one and that’s why we’re here. That is called a fact. Bush’s Iraq War was an intelligence failure, just not the kind you think. But has Obama jumped the shark on this one? And, can anyone really get away with comparing a war to an old Happy Day’s reference? These questions and more will be answered, same blog time, same blog station.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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