Moscow, RU—Instead of discussing the recent terrorist attack in his country, Vladimir Putin remained fixated throughout his speech today on Russia’s poor Olympic performance. Putin blamed his country’s gross underachieving on global warming.
“Climate change is real, and it’s real bad for the Winter Olympics,” said Putin.
The Russian President went on to explain how the warmer weather riddled Team Russia with obstacles.
“Except those event-specific obstacles one would expect,” clarified Putin. “Coaches reported how each time the figure skaters or hockey players practiced, the slush on the ice was almost ankle high. And don’t even get me started on curling,” added Putin.
While trying to maintain the ice, Zamboni drivers drowned almost daily.
“How many more Zamboni drivers must die before the world wakes up to the dangers we all face?!” yelled a weepy Putin. (Incidentally, if you Google ‘yelled a weepy putin’ you get a tree indigenous to Narnia.)
Russia’s utter embarrassment has drastically shifted the country’s perception of climate change. To drill that point home, Putin ended his speech with a plea to Al Gore, “If Mr. Gore would come out of hiding, Russia would like to commission him to direct our own climate change awareness film, It Could Happen To Moscow.”