Zano’s Real Fox News Blogathon: Why My Wife Insists I Switch Back to Porn
(Part 2)

We left our hero trying to live-blog Fox News 24 hours straight without going on a killing spree.  Fox was talking about czars, the H1N1 twins were still sick, and I was running out of Deschute’s Porter.  I would have gotten them both the vaccine, if the government wasn’t using it to track all of our activities.  Besides, under Obama, any shot would inject socialized medicine directly into my veins.

Back to Fox, the 24 hour czars network.  Apparently, it’s only American to have fascist czars.  We don need no steenking socialist czars. Why can’t fascism and socialism both be bad for America?  Everyone defends one or the other.  If forced to choose, I would take a socialist czar every time.  Let’s see, one will divvy shit up (Obama) while the other will drag you out of your house at night and torture you to death (Cheney).  It’s a tough choice.  I can see why the patriotards are so confused.  Marx said crazy shit like capitalism would cause tensions that would ultimately tear it apart and other unhinged stuff like that.  Being right is something waaaay beyond the Fox-eteers.  Of course, this bit will drive any good patriotard insane, because this is in total conflict with the ‘Fox Transmission.’ Patriotards only equate socialism with the Soviet Union (which wasn’t remotely what Marx had in mind).  For these folks, nothing computes beyond good/bad, right/wrong, with us/against us, so by merely saying one is a higher perspective than the other equates to Zano = commie. 

Personally, I don’t want any ideology driving my country into the shitter, but if forced to choose, Karl and I would have a great conversation over a brewski.  As for that other German with the short mustache, not so much.  An integralist would not support any uber ideology.  Winslow and Atsals want a public option which could well result in a government takeover of healthcare (when we’re broke).  The Crank and Pernick, not be outdone, will defend a broken system, as well as insurance companies, lawyers, bankers, and every other super-capitalistic CEO vulture circling for the kill.  They haven’t gotten the memo—they’re now on the menu.  Most people fall into these two camps, those attacking the people trying to save us, albeit badly (Republicans), or those attacking the people trying to screw us (Democrats).  Sorry, but it’s like that sixties song, “nobody’s right, if everybody’s wrong.”

Wait, something else stupid is happening on Fox: 

Oliver North just said, “We can declare victory today in Iraq.”

This statement is contra-indicated (sorry about that).  How can someone be that stupid?  Oh, that’s right, he’s a Fox Contributor (comes with the badge).  Hey, Ollie, let’s dust off the Mission Accomplished banner again. Where is that banner these days?  I’ll tell you where…hanging across a cave somewhere in Waziristan. Sorry, Ollie, but we haven’t passed the test until we leave.  We can’t stay indefinitely.  Oh, that’s right, you’re a neocon.  Let’s occupy all Islamic countries indefinitely—they love that.  Only one in four humans are Muslim, so that deductive gem couldn’t possibly lead to problems, right?  

Great strides have been made in Iraq, no doubt, but if they unravel when we leave—which is my guess—then we’ve broken our piggy bank for what?  Non-existent weapons?  Oil? Halliburton stock? A family grudge?  I keep forgetting their final rationalization.  

This brings us to Glenn Beck’s show: The New Republic: America’s Future. Glenn Beck would have more credibility if he wasn’t on Fox and if he took his Zyprexa as prescribed. When Glenn was on CNN, he was still crazy, granted, but at least the nutball rightly identified the brick wall in our collective future.  I was listening to Beck’s rants with some sympathy a few years ago, when the Teabaggers were cheering on the end of the Bill of Rights and stuff.  Now they’re suddenly interested in our forefather’s vision.  If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, sure he’d slap Obama, but he’d shoot Bush in the nads.  But, wait, George would have an advantage in a duel.  He would turn and fire after losing count—likely waaaay before 10.

Today Mr. Beck squandered his time trying to mobilize the Teabaggers through his ‘9/12 Project’ (or, as I call it, Juliani + 1).  What the hell are they so mad about? 

I believe I have the answer…

Many of us figured out a long time ago that Old Glory was going tits up.  So we’ve had time to absorb that reality and plan our future accordingly (banana red Mad Dog, baby!).  For patriotards, however, the last few months have resulted in some major sensory overload.  Nothing is more poignant than Beck’s rants being unleashed on Fox the moment of Obama’s coronation. 

Under Bush, the Fox-eteers were happily tooling through the Lollypop Woods toward the Molasses Swamp.  Then the ‘Fox Transmission’ suddenly switched from ‘there’s nothing to see here’ and ‘ignore the man behind the curtain’(December, 2008) to ‘OH, MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!’ (January, 2009). That’s where the Crank gets all of his capitalized sentences.  The ‘Transmission’ is now allowing their peeps to see the heaping pile of fecal matter they themselves helped to create.  Millions of Keanues have just pulled off their cords and climbed out of that neoconic tub.

These Fox spawned dissonance groups, like the 9/12 Project and the Teabaggers, can be summed up thusly: they are, predominately, people who passed gas and then demand, “Who farted?!” 

The only good news is at least they’ve finally identified the mess.  Now, they just need to connect the dots as to how we got here.  Sorry, but Barney Frank did not single-handedly end capitalism.  We had a president during the sub-prime mortgage crash—a president who was warned, but decided his friends were making far too much money to start regulating stuff.  What was his name again?  Besides, half the amount lost in the sub prime mortgage fiasco was spent in Iraq, for some reason or another.  Oh, and Incurious George also gave 700 billion dollars to a few of his banker buddies on the way out of office (and we still don’t know where any of that money went). Obama’s bailouts staved off a depression, at least temporarily, while Bush’s bailout helped several CEOs parachute safely to international commodities land.  And Bush got away with that shit?  I leave the Circle K with a Snicker bar and I’m toast.  

I never did make it as late as Hannity, but I have to mention him now because he is, after all, the dingleberry atop the Fox News Shit Sunday.  Who needs to watch him?  I’m sure he covered Barney Frank (certainly some culpability), Acorn (who cares), czars (fine only under Bush), birth certificate (who cares), Obama’s socialist grade school teacher (who cares), healthcare (you know, death panels), and autoerotic asphyxiation (Hannity desperately needs therapy).

Sean Hannity’s greatest achievement to date is convincing the masses that smart people are really dumb and dumb people are really smart.  Not an easy trick.  But night after night, this is his mantra.  As soon as you pay your tuition, some Bill Ayers type pulls you aside and hands you the liberal Kool Aid.  Did they really get to all of us?  Are all smart people really dumb?  You really think that?  Or, if all things being equal, is the simplest solution correct?  Hannity wants us to believe everyone above 110 IQ = dumb and Sean Hannity and his ilk = smart.  If that’s true, Occam’s Razor desperately needs one of those Save-A-Blades.  Of course, in his defense, Hannity’s viewing audience thinks Occam is the city where Batman’s from. 

I don’t EVER remember liberal views being pushed at me in college….er, I don’t remember much from college, period.  But if I did drink any Kool Aid, I can assure you it was only spiked with alcohol.  In reality, using your brain regularly makes you more prone to move up the consciousness ladder or, in my college scenario, the unconsciousness ladder.

If 95% percent of the time you believe the ‘Fox Transmission’ then you’re only right about five percent of the time.  I’m not saying the other side is a whole lot better.  The liberal media is now emulating Fox News.  Thanks to Murdoch and Ailes, ideologically driven drivel (IDD) has proven to be lucrative.  MSNBC just surpassed CNN, so here’s the media score card: ‘being really bad’ gets you to number 1, ‘getting really bad’ gets you to number 2, and having some objectivity gets you ‘Wolf Blitzered.’  

Either way, MSNBC and Fox News make great book ends.  No real books between them of any substance, of course, but pretty to look at on the bookshelf.  It is funny to hear Sean Hannity say, “MSNBC is an extension of the White House.”   HAH!  He has to know how stupid he sounds.  He does something for eight years, helps tank the country and all, and then he is astonished when someone else reaches into his bag of tricks.  He has to know!  Right?  Tell me it’s a shtick. Please…

Fox polls indicate no one in America wants a public option and MSNBC polls suggest the country predominately wants a public option.  If you defend either camp of these spin loons, I’m afraid you’ve drank the Kool Aid (the tragically unalcoholic kind).

I am still maddest at Bush for breaking a super power over his knee, but the media is a close second.  The Obama Administration is only a distant third.  Rarely in American history has anyone walked into a shittier position. 

If Republicans hadn’t gone and fucked up capitalism so bad and, in your spare time, the rule of law, King Obama wouldn’t be revisiting other ideological models.  Obama does seem to be whittling away at our first and second amendment rights…er, what I predicted.  There is some real scary shit happening these days, but we should demand something other than a developmentally disabled news outlet to cover it.  I will never believe the nonsense on Fox News, but unless we get a conservative outlet grounded in reality, they’re only going to continue to misinform. This will succeed in only motivating their bat shit base.

Now, if you will excuse me, it’s time to light the Bat Shit signal and once more defend Occam City from the patriotard menace.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.