Wolfeboro, NH—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney warns of the stark realities of conviction change. He told the Daily Discord earlier today “‘Global conforming’ is most likely influenced by the voting activities of man. I understand how the sea levels, I mean deceive levels are clearly rising across the Tea Planet as the world grows increasingly warmer, I mean fodder,” said Romney.
“Endless 24-hour news cycles impact the hot air emanating from my mouth,” explained Romney. “A host of contradictory atmospheric conditions near and around the neococoon can greatly impact my views on any given topic at any given time.”
Romney told reasonable Americans, in Pig Latin, how he has every intention of changing many of his positions back to sane ones, “Just as soon as I win the Republican nomination, I will make sense again,” said Romney. “But until then I am forced to drink from the Cup of Stupid.”
Many are concerned, this very real ‘global conforming’ phenomenon could continue to impact his actual stance on abortion, global warming, immigration, healthcare, and the need for tax revenues to reduce deficits over the weeks and months ahead.
“Look, I need to say I believe a whole host of ridiculous things to get the Republican nomination,” said Romney. “Have you seen my base? They are further out there than that Branson guy’s new space station. Oh, but can you translate that into Pig Latin before posting? Thanks.”
In related news, the Foxeteers claim to be close to breaking the Pig Latin code.