Santa Fe, NM— Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is under increasing scrutiny for his downtown zombie treatment center.
“Look, if we even get twenty-percent of all zombies to forgo brains, it could be the difference between our survival or extinction during the next zombie uprising,” said Hogbein.
Hogbein boasts the staff-to-client ratio at his W. Rodeo Lurch-In Clinic is excellent, “Or the staff would be eaten.” The program is spiritual based and follows the ‘12 Stagger Model,’ wherein each zombie is taught that ‘one brain is too much and a thousand is never enough.’
Dr. Hogbein feels zombies are a misunderstood, and ultimately redeemable, species. A second program at the institute involves teaching the more chronic living-impaired to only eat the brains of other zombies.
“Zombies are smarter than eats the eye,” said Hogbein, laughing. “After all, you can’t argue that brain is brain food.”
When questioned further, Hogbein admitted none of his consumers have made it past Stagger One, which states: We admitted to ourselves that we are powerless over brains and that our deaths have become unmanageable.
The Institute’s plans for a Radioactively Enlarged Insect Wellness Clinic and an Alien Gestalt Therapy Center are also under growing scrutiny from city officials.