Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.
“I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss,” said Putin. “I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit.”
Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. “I hunted them down like dogs, literally,” said Putin.
For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. “I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them,” said Putin. “Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all.”
Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of “Old People Tipping” occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.