Washington, DC-At the final confirmation hearing for Elena Kagan Thursday, Senator Ben Nelson (NE-D) meant to vote against Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination but, instead, shouted, “I don’t think Kagan can follow DeGeneres in a show as important for U.S. interests as American Idol!”
Several colleagues tried to calm the agitated Senator down to no avail. President Obama himself texted Nelson during the outburst and offered his state free healthcare (again), as well as weekly treasure baths at Camp David if he would simply, “sit the fuck down.”
Completely inconsolable, Nelson yelled, “You lie!”
He then hurled his Blackberry at Kagan, before saying, “The Idol is dead; it’s dead, I tell ya! Nothing else really matters anymore, you toothless whore!”
After an uncomfortably long period of sobbing, Nelson tried to secede from the union–until someone reminded him that if Nebraska seceded, no one would notice.
Nelson later told the press, “Truckers along Route 80 would notice. Especially when I start opening fire on the bastards!”
Police had to forcibly remove Nelson from Capital Hill, and Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield later told the press the Senator was “all doped up on goofballs.”
Nelson denies being on goofballs, or even knowing what goofballs are, exactly.