In front of a pack of outraged L.A. Kings fans NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman, refused to hand the Stanley Cup over to the King’s Captain Justin Brown. This marks the first time in the NHL’s long history that the time honored tradition was broken…and even dented a bit.

Bettman claimed that occasionally something he called The Commissioner’s Clause can be evoked, wherein the Commissioner gets to keep the cup all year. He told King’s fans, “This year this bitch stays with me, people. I am Bettman! I am Bettman. Get it? Besides, Los Angeles is no place for hockey’s most holy prize. You’re lucky we even allowed a team into this league from such a shit hole.”

Bettman then attempted to hoist the cup over his head, but immediately yelled, clutched his lower back, and collapsed to the ice. Dustin Brown then skated over to the red carpet and yanked the thing from his old Jew hands. As he turned to skate away, however, Bettman looped his neck tie around one of Dustin’s skates, causing him to topple to the ice. The fans screamed their objections as Lord Stanley’s Cup skidded into a corner. The rest of the Kings cleared the bench and joined the fray. Then, as one fan put it, “Shit got real.”

Okay, our coverage of the last time the Kings’ won the cup is much better, here.