Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.
“The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump,” said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. “Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system.”
“I don’t know what to do with myself,” said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. “I don’t care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy.”
The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking…with their mouths…to reporters and other journalist types.
“What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent,” said Gingrich. “And I live for that shit.”