Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.
Kissimmee, FL—Armed teachers, armed security guards and see-through backpacks are all on the menu for the state of Florida as administrators wrestle with the challenges of keeping children safe at school. Students are fighting back as they are concerned the balance of power has been unnecessarily stacked against them. Head of the Student Council, Brad Perkins, said, “History is fraught with imbalances of power that trigger a justifiable response. Sorry about the use of the word ‘trigger’; it was a cheap shot. Anyway, we want to be ready for any and all contingencies: crazy guards, strict teachers, radicals, lone gunman, bullies, alt-right types or Methodists.”
Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”
Kidding, It’s This One…
*Hat tip Sean L.
We have successfully made the transition from ‘know hope’ to ‘no hope’. In today’s political circus, the Freedom Caucus is now all the rage. Are you kidding me? The only thing standing between El Trumpedente and everything he wants for Christmas is a pack of hyenas? Through the magic of redistricting, we must support the minority of the minority? Who wants to cheer on the frickin’ Freedom Caucus? Then again, they did save Obamacare. The enemy of my enemy is my friend’s enema? I don’t even follow that one. People are concerned about republican in-fighting. Don’t be. When it counts, conservative-types are always united in their wrongness. Republicans do impress me in one sense as they’ve discovered so many distinct, yet shitty factions, views and philosophies. Multinefarious? Diversdefecation? Fine, I’ll work on that one.
Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”
Tweet Tower—On day one President-elect Donald Trump plans to close the controversial Arkham Sanitarium and tear down the Batshit signal once and for all. Many are now questioning The Donald’s motives as these items were not among his many campaign promises. The closing of Arkham is being met with bipartisan criticism as the facility contains some of the most psychiatrically unstable individuals in the country. Mr. Trump is denying allegations the asylum is empty now because many of the residents have already been chosen for a wide array of important cabinet positions. Donald Trump argued, “That’s just a coincidence. Sure I picked some talent from that side of the tracks and, spoiler alert, my Secretary of State is currently in isolation in their forensic unit. This guy is the best diplomat. The best. Other country’s will fall into line, otherwise he does this cool little candygram thing with the ambassador’s corpse.”