Tweet Tower—On day one President-elect Donald Trump plans to close the controversial Arkham Sanitarium and tear down the Batshit signal once and for all. Many are now questioning The Donald’s motives as these items were not among his many campaign promises. The closing of Arkham is being met with bipartisan criticism as the facility contains some of the most psychiatrically unstable individuals in the country. Mr. Trump is denying allegations the asylum is empty now because many of the residents have already been chosen for a wide array of important cabinet positions. Donald Trump argued, “That’s just a coincidence. Sure I picked some talent from that side of the tracks and, spoiler alert, my Secretary of State is currently in isolation in their forensic unit. This guy is the best diplomat. The best. Other country’s will fall into line, otherwise he does this cool little candygram thing with the ambassador’s corpse.”
When asked about the Batshit signal, Trump said, “We don’t need reminders of how unhinged we are. Everybody knows that. They know that. They voted for this shit …Batshit. That Zano is turning on the Batshit signal every time I open my mouth, which is a waste of tax payer dollars. Besides, it’s not going to be all evil, we’re going to work in some misogyny too. I’m looking to appoint Hugh Hefner to do all the White House staff hiring. And, yeah, we’ll work in some minorities, if the shape is right. Hah! Oh, and Zano, when I get through with the internet there won’t be anymore signals coming from The Discord, Batshit or otherwise. But don’t worry, you will maintain your right to remain silent. Hey, I might even send my new Secretary of State to come over and say ‘hi’.”
Despite the thinly veiled threats, Mr. Trump has agreed to turn on the Batshit signal one more time for old time sake.