The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium

Mick Zano

I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.

Please Suddenlink Cable, I need my liberal shelter from this imbecilic storm! OK, I don’t like MSNBC much either, but I tend to only groan now and again at the television as opposed to Fox, which triggers my Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). Oh wait, I get Fox News on multiple channels now. That’s helpful. Not! My IQ is dropping five points a week! I’m starting to grow an inexplicable appreciation for Bill O’Reilly and I can even make it all the way to the first commercial break on Hannity without the vomit bag. Mostly.

Have you been following the Republican debates? This particular Super PAC propagandic extravaganza makes the last days of Rome seem like The Garden Reiki Wellness Center (where the Ghetto Shaman and I spend our weekends hitting on enlightened chicks). To summarize events, Mitt Romney has not sipped sufficiently from the Cup of Stupid. Apparently, you must alienate everyone with a clue as well as every independent voter in the country to get “the nod.” It’s a nice vetting process, for those who wish to remain the minority.

The misinformed masses just won’t settle for someone who might secretly have a brain, so Enter the Santorum. The then PA Senator voted with George W. Bush on every issue. I lived in PA under his watch. I realize this period of time has been stripped from the memory banks of about 40% of our population. Should you be a Foxeteer, please ignore this last point and repeat the words: Obama is a socialist. Thank you.

For the rest of us, let’s review what George, and by proxy Rick, got right between 2001 to 2006:

  1. Well, W’s first pitch at that ball game wasn’t bad, but we can’t really give any credit to Rick for that one.
  2. Please see number one.

So….ZERO! Let’s do the recount…ZERO! Not sure what Santorum’s Senatorial record was like pre-2001, but it’s a safe assumption it involved sweater vests and important sweater-vest-related legislation.

I wasn’t feeling well the other day, so I abandoned my post at work and crawled into my favorite Archie Bunker chair. I can only claim this valuable piece of real estate when no one else is home, mind you, because as Dylan tells us The Times They Are a Changin’. If my boss happens to be reading this, I can assure you, my illness had absolutely nothing to do with Flagstaff’s recent Brew-Ha-Ha. Honest. I did not even attend that unsavory event, so please ignore my related post on the subject. Really, it’s just another strange coincidence, like that time when my monthly reports had that paper shredder mishap.

So, completely devoid of my Hannity-proof-harborage, I hesitantly turned on Fox News. This can’t really happen much in the evening anymore. When my daughter is home, she makes me turn it off by reminding me, “Dad, I’ve only ever heard you curse when you’re driving or watching Fox News.”

Even if the house is empty, like today, I can only watch Fox News until my heart monitor starts erratically beeping, then I need to switch to something more calming, like those Saw movies.

So for one hour, and one hour only, I turned on Herr Murdoch’s channel. This was the result:

Code blue: Zano’s living room…

No, it wasn’t that bad. I have learned a series of breathing techniques that allow me to lower my blood pressure between bouts of profanity. Wouldn’t you know it, Megyn Kelly is interviewing Liz Sith-Apprentice Cheney. Oh boy, returning to work was starting to sound pretty good. I reached for my Tums as a preemptive measure.

Here’s some of that magical Liz Cheney interview with my thoughts in parenthesis:

Liz on the State of the Union:

“To see a president stand up at a SOTU and act as though our prestige is at an all time high (yeah, your father made that impossible, didn’t he?). It’s not the first time he’s made such mistakes (to assume the Bush years are easily reversible is very insightful, if you’re a strain of bacteria). When you see that naivety combined with arrogance it’s really concerning (BIN LADEN, BITCH! Al-Qaeda dogs finally in their kennel!).”

Sorry, that was uncalled for. My apologies to Al-Qaeda.

Liz on the Arab Spring:

“They’ve (The Obama-Nation) had absolutely no strategy across the Arab World. Our response has been inadequate (what we really could use is just a couple more land wars in Asia to help your father’s Halliburton stocks, right?).

Come to think of it, if only Dick had been as smart as that fictional character Vizzini from The Princess Bride, this never would have happened.

Liz on Syria:

“This administration doesn’t have enough prestige to put together even a bare minimum coalition to condemn what’s happening in Syria (because of your father).”

This is kind of like burning down the only bar in town during a drunken blackout and then going to the press the next day and asking, “Why can’t our neighborhood even sustain an acceptable drinking establishment?”

You see, Liz, I remember waaay back in 2002 all those coercive tactics your father used to build a coalition to invade the wrong country under false premises. You don’t think that impacts our ability to coalition-build a mere few years later? Really? I know he’s your father, but the chances of him killing the Emperor to save Luke Skywalker is remote at best. And, lady, if you cared about the rule of law, at all, you would march your father to an airport and pick some civilized country as a destination, preferably one that would arrest him on the tarmac.

Then Megyn Kelly finishes her show with a completely erroneous summation of the situation in Iran. Well, it’s the same thing echoed in every other Fox show, so it remains a true story to those residing squarely in the neococoon. Basically to sum up Megyn’s “journalistic” segment, Obama’s doing nothing about Iran…and we are all in danger…and he’s weak…and we’re not going to back Israel because Obama’s is a Muslim, living in a madrassa, plotting the downfall of America through socialism. The usual.

I’m done. I’m shutting this shit off in favor of C-Span’s coverage of the latest Labor Relation Act for the vertically challenged. The unemployed are really falling short on this one.

Megyn, Megyn, Megyn. Admittedly, I don’t know what Obama is up to, but we will likely find out at some point how he outsmarted Iran, again, just like he outsmarts the Foxeteers each and every news cycle. Do I know how this will end? No. Is there a clear potential for something terrible to happen? Yep. And it was just as critical when Bush left office, but, luckily, Obama has an understanding of people, foreign policy, and nuance. Through a series of chemical and neural impulses firing within his frontal lobes, he can make something called informed decisions. This has been a problem with you and your candidates for a long, long time. Each election cycle the right is opting for people with less and less of these aforementioned chemical and neural messengers. Enter the Santorum!

Obama’s skills have thus far been light-years ahead of Incurious George’s, placing him well within the mediocre realms—a place the Foxeteers hope to reach someday with just the right amount of spin and Zyprexa.

A small dose of reality:

How we handle this Iranian scenario is absolutely critical. This is a monstrously delicate situation. In other words, let’s elect Gingrich! Obama is trying to avoid, for the moment, regime change and a full blown American Depression. He already sent a computer virus that pushed Iran’s uranium enrichment capabilities back at least a year or two (by even the most conservative estimates). And, Iran is undergoing the most sustained and painful sanctions ever put into place, which is why they are currently threatening to block shipping lanes. Our own foreign affairs minister and many other sources claim these sanctions are very coordinated and are having a greater impact than any previous attempt. Sooo, you just happened to leave those parts of the equation out, Megyn? That’s crap, like most things that come out of your mouth.

Fox News information is based on either lies, false assumptions, or my favorite, lies of omission. This is why reality never plays out quite the way the Foxeteer predicts. Their endless patriotic march from surprise to surprise to surprise must be very vexing. And then they have to work feverishly to create a whole slew of other false assumptions to explain their last round of false assumptions. They’ve done this so much and so effectively, they might be the first group to actually reach Zen through their own rectums. I believe the Ghetto Shaman refers to this phenomenon as a self-Nirvanaloscopy.

I need transcripts for Fox’s shows. It’s comical. I know, I know…you love America so much you want to crush it into a small congealed ball of stupid, but I just don’t want any part of it. The closest conservatives have come to being right about anything in recent years is our exploding deficit. They are so close to nailing this issue, they can smell it—except the whole being nearly dead wrong part. They didn’t care about deficits, at all, until every reputable economist in the country said, umm, if we don’t keep printing lots of funny money we’ll sink into a depression. So at that very moment when we couldn’t stop, is the same moment when they had this bright idea that deficits matter and to stop. Now on other issues…ummm, they haven’t fared quite as well.

I have been on this story for years, but recently Andrew Sullivan has picked up the torch. And he has an audience about million times mine. I know, I know, we should get a room, but he’s married.

“The Republican Establishment is Rush Limbaugh, Roger Ailes, Karl Rove, and their mainfold products, from Hannity to Levin. They rule on the talk radio airwaves and on the GOP’s own ‘news’ channel, Fox. They have never quite reconciled themselves to Romney since he represents a gray blur in a stark Manichean universe they have created for more than a decade now. In this universe, there is only black and white. There is only them and us. Anyone who diverges an iota from this schematic is speaking without a microphone in front of a revving airplane engine.”

Andrew Sullivan

I usually give him all the credit, but this time I think he’s actually channeling me. Hey Fox News, you really want to humiliate Obama? Take a page from the Daily Discord:

Obama Humiliated by "Singing Frog" Sensation
Obama Humiliated by "Singing Frog" Sensation
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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