Abbottabad, PK—In conjunction with Pakistani authorities, the U.S. Government has now released the details of the final hours of Osama Bin Laden’s life. The Al-Qaeda leader, loving father and husband, spent his last 36 hours on this planet watching a Baywatch marathon on Pakistan’s popular Channel Two.
Reports from Navy SEAL commandos are conflicting, however, bringing further shame to the Obama Administration. One commando reports Bin Laden was watching episode 52, Princess of Tides, while a second thought it was the popular season five finale, Wet n’ Wild.
One SEAL was only able to report, “He was watching a TV show, somethin’ about lifeguards or somethin’.”
That commando has since been relieved of his duties.
Local Pakistanis report strange activities at the compound, which usually heightened to a fevered pitch around 8:00 PM Abbottabad time, precisely when Baywatch airs.
“He loved Baywatch and he loved David Hasselhoff most of all,” said wife number four. “But not in a gay kind of way.”
Trapped in a compound with only six channels was not always easy for the Bin Ladens. Osama felt Baywatch episodes were a little respite from all the death in his life. After planning some sinister jihadist suicide bombing, or a terror plot against the unholy infidels, Bin Laden liked to kickback with some Cheetos—intelligence suggests he preferred the crunchy variety to the puffy kind—and then he hit those golden TV-Land beaches. Reports suggest Bin Laden kept close tabs on Hasselhoff as to avoid “blowing him into tiny infidel pieces.” Interviews with locals suggest that just as U.S. forces raided the compound, Bin Laden was completely engrossed in the all day marathon, thus sealing his fate (pardon the pun).
Conflicting reports by commandos regarding the type of Cheetos has also shamed the Obama Administration.