Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story of biblical proportions, Alex Bone has put Jonah, Pinocchio, and Natalie Wood to shame. The Discord contributor and Yig enthusiast, missing since early last month, was discovered living inside the stomach of a colossal Crawdad.
Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and liquor store, said, “Megadonulus Crawdaddyo was believed to be extinct for millions of beers. Yet this recent specimen discovered in Northern Arizona proves that we’re heading into a new age where dinosaurs will once again rule the Earth!”
When asked how Bone survived within a giant crayfish gullet for over a month, he replied, “The digestive acid was the most severe issue and I only escaped its effects by constructing a suit of armor from the small tails of the smaller crawdads—the monster’s primary diet. I sewed the tail shells together with my own hair, creating a kind of a crawmail©, which is also why I’m now bald… er, everywhere.”
Bone apparently only subsisted by ordering out each night for pizza or Chinese food. He eventually escaped certain death by eating his own way out of the Crayfish.
“It wasn’t easy without butter,” said Bone, “but sometimes a man’s gotta chew, what a man’s gotta chew.”
He has since sworn to hunt the beast down as soon as he “gets a bigger boat.”
“These damn crawdads declared war on the ecosystem, so I declared war on them,” said Bone. “Then they declared war on me, so now I’m declaring war on them, Big Time!”
Mick Zano had this to say: “I hope someone offers a bounty for this creature, because Bone lost his job while he was in the guts of that retched thing. Now he’s crashing on my sofa and emptying my refrigerator, which is actually not that different from when he was employed. He even sucked the mold off the bottom of the crisper and, man, that guy can drink. And if he doesn’t get his fill, I have to hear about him sewing those inch long shells together again and again. And if I have to hear the part ‘when I was down to my pubic hair’ again…”
Zano has since offered his own bounty for the creature, in the hopes it will get Bone out of his house.
Bone has enlisted the aid of the famous hunter ‘Bearblooded Thompson’ in his quest to stop this rampaging crustacean monstrosity.
“Our only hope is to build a trap big enough to hold that thing. But where can we find something that size? Kirstie Alley has thus far refused to donate her underwire bras for the cause,” said Bone.
Dr. Hogbein believes “we are just beginning to discover how dangerous this crawdad menace is. As for the conspiracy behind the threat, I am inclined to blame Republicans, which is my default position. Rolling back EPA standards, cutting park rangers, global warming, increased pollution…if we turn a blind eye to nature those Godzilla movies will just be the beginning! Once the crawdads have their way with Mother Nature, there won’t be anything left to protect. The world will become a barren wasteland, devoid of life, only fit for artificial golf courses and bombing ranges…aka, a conservative Nirvana.”