In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, “I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary…you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook.”
When I caught up with Mr. Winslow back at his office, I asked him why he would take such a chance with his very soul and he said, “Oh, I don’t have one of those. Besides, we need more traffic so I can get more cash. I’ve been having some trouble funding my seventh home which is being built on a private island off the coast of Bermuda and two of my Swedish mistresses are asking for boob jobs, so I figured we needed to up the stakes a little here.”
“Off the coast of…?” I decided to change tactics, “So what made you think of black magic?”
“You did. I always see you lighting black candles in the basement when I’m getting my third bottle of wine right before lunch, so I figured what the hell, let’s try to get some help from Hell. Now get out of my office! And I want that article by Friday Bone or you’re finished!”
I left Discord Central and found The Ghetto Shaman out back, rummaging through the trash for cans to recycle for beer money.
The Shaman chimed in, “I don’t think Winslow’s idea is that bad. It’s not like if he were possessed he could be any meaner. Besides, maybe we’ll get some hot succubus action out of this deal.”
When I asked if the site’s hits had improved, he only threw up on my shoes and asked to excuse himself.
I caught up with myself and I had this to say, “I’ve been a follower of the great dark God Tezcatlipoca for quite some time now and he assures me that as soon as the End of Days arrives all other news stations will be leveled and the Discord will control news throughout the globe. When I asked him if he could increase our views before that, he cursed Yig and disappeared into a cloud of inky smoke.”
Winslow had already left for his quarterly three month vacation and I still didn’t know whether our ratings had actually increased through all of these diabolical efforts. Then I found the Crank trying to break into Winslow’s office with a chainsaw, I asked him if he had heard any updates on how our ratings faired.
“The only people who read this shit are liberal dweebs in some dreary Seattle coffee shop,” he said.
“Umm, what are you doing anyway?”
“I’m just doing some redecorating while Winslow’s gone. And if you see Zano, tell him he’s next!”
Feeling more frustrated than ever, I was about to go drown my sorrows in the wine cellar, because Tezcatlipoca had promised to leave the door open for me, when I saw the Discord’s newest writer, T-Ballz, wandering the halls. “Hey Ballz, what are you doing?”
“Looking for a place to piss. Doesn’t this place have any bathrooms?”
“No, Winslow said that they were a waste of money, besides when the Discord tower was being built he said all of his assets were tied up constructing a second rollercoaster for his children’s private amusement park. So we usually just piss out the windows.”
“That works,” said Ballz. “Hey, let’s smoke a J and then use the Xerox to make copies of our—”
“Okay, but have you heard if our ratings went up after my dark efforts and Winslow’s deal with the devil?”
Ballz smiled, “Well, my friend, Vealatarian, who’s under house arrest, said he reads the Discord all the time…but I made it is home page and he doesn’t know enough about computers to change it.”
So there you have it, our spells have obviously begun to work and soon the whole world will bow to our evil sarcasm!
“Hey, don’t Bogart that thing, Ballz. And why does it smell like urine?”