In Defense of Our 44th President

Mick Zano

Now that everyone is piling on Obama like a Cambodian stampede, it’s time to come to the aid of my old pal, Mr. Mediocre.  Currently, Bush’s approval rating is 44% and Obama’s is 39%.  Huh?  Granted, Obama’s struggling, but Bush’s approval rating should only be calculable using quantum fractals, pygmy fractions, or perhaps some other non-Euclidian geometry only found down in Whoville on Psilocybin Wednesdays.  Speaking of which, Shaman man…what are ya doing Wednesday?

My prediction on inauguration day was this: Obama would do poorly on the economic front and well on foreign policy.  He has done a little better on the economic front than anticipated.  What!?!  Sorry Foxeteers, those of us who saw this coming thought our economy would be pushing up more Daisy than the Duke boys right about now.  Last I checked, we’re not in a depression, so kudos, oh Anointed One.

As for foreign policy, I have always put his achievements into the context of a country drastically declining in influence, resources, and options.  I never felt we, as a country, would regroup after Bush—not without strong non-partisan approval and implementation of Psilocybin Wednesdays.  If and when we re-emerge from the inflation to come, we will have a very different role on the world stage.  Not to mention intermittent flying unicorns.

Can you imagine a Republican president ruling in this environment?  How will they govern without their two favorite tools, bullying and threatening?  Let me make another prediction:  they will continue as if nothing has changed for at least a year, then, when faced with the overwhelming fact that no one is listening anymore, they will deny this for another six months or so.  When the stark reality of America’s shrinking role, influence, and power finally sinks in, they will renew their hatred for Barney Frank and Barak Obama.  At least they’re predictable.

Fact: Obama is not handling the Israel-Palestine conflict well.  But let’s not forget, no one ever has.  At this juncture, Israel is the biggest barrier to the process.  That’s not anti-Semitism, it’s a fact.  As for Afghanistan, in a recent C-Span moment, the former President of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf, pointed to two key strategic blunders that exacerbated the situation in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  The first occurred under Reagan, when, after fighting a proxy war alongside Pakistan against Russia, the U.S. abandoned Pakistan and sought only to improve ties with India.  The second blunder occurred in 2002, after the U.S. had won a military battle in Afghanistan, but, instead of seeking a political a solution, chose instead to go bomb Iraq.

“Then (2002) the U.S. could have brokered a political deal from a position of strength, now the U.S. is attempting to broker a deal from a position of weakness.”

—Pervez Musharraf

Wow, sounds like Mick Zano.  So what were we doing for a gazillion dollars a day over there for nearly a decade?  Hmmmm.  Oh, and for some juxtaposition (which is our bonus word today, kids), we are cutting organ transplants for the poor in my state.  Gotta love Republicans. Let’s invade Iran!  We can supply our troops by having old people reuse their catheters.  That should help.  Borrow $ for Warren Buffet’s tax breaks?  Sorry, that’s a must.

Indeed, that was a very long and expensive stalemate, Mr. Decision Points.  Where was your Mission Abolished banner for that one?   Fact: we have fought Al-Qaeda more effectively in both border countries under Obama’s reign.  And I’m betting we will reach a political agreement with the Taliban soon.

C-Span recently assembled a “what the ‘F’ are we going to do about Iran” panel.  This group of specialists believes a military option with Iran is off the table.   They unanimously agreed that any military option cannot just be empty words.  We need to be able to back threats up with troops, and our current military situation is such that, beyond air strikes on the nuclear facilities themselves, a ground invasion is logistically impossible right now.  The Republicans have decimated this option and left our cupboards bare.   But Tiny Tim didn’t need that liver anyway.   Well, he did, but it’s just tough love. The panel also seemed to agree that multi-lateral sanctions, imposed by the U.S. and China under direction of the Obama administration, are having an impact.  You won’t hear that one on Fox News.

Fareed Zakaria had some Iranian ambassador on CNN this Sunday.  Let me translate, “If I don’t lie through my teeth and praise my midget overlord, he will do things with my testicles so humorously diabolical they could only exist in the realms of a Mel Brook movie.”  Something definitely has to be done about this regime.  Even the mild mannered Fareed was taken aback by this guy.  This putz didn’t know bupkis! But his inability to stay several light years from the truth at all times does make him strong with the Schwartz.

With next to no options, Obama has done relatively well, considering.  Is everything resolved?  Are things still bleak?  Certainly,  right on cue.  But he is playing the hand he was dealt rather well. (Hint 1: he has a pair of 4s.  Hint 2: the world can see his hand.)

The point of high irony here is that the same actions that avoided the Bush depression really cost Obama dearly.  Now, when the depression comes, they will call it the Obama Depression.  This has been my fear all along.  The depression was inevitable; I just hoped the terminally wrong would figure a few things out on the way down.  Not likely, though. Fox is a state of mind as impenetrable as any Fortress of Ineptitude.  I gave Kerry a 30% chance of pulling this country out of this mess and I gave Obama a 15%.  The Z-Party has only a 10% chance, but as Leslie Nielson tells us, there’s only about a 5% chance of that.  Once again I’ll defer to Andrew Sullivan to sum up the Obama administration, because I need to get to Whoville before Cappy Hour ends.

“Preventing a second Great Depression, which was a real possibility (and not just the jobless recovery we’re in, but a full-scale collapse), rescuing the banks without nationalizing them, saving the auto-companies with precision and technocratic skill (I didn’t think it would work at all, and it did), re-setting relations with the rest of the world, bringing a new sanity and balance to Middle East policy, taking out 400 al Qaeda operatives, using the myth of the surge to get the hell out of Iraq (for the most part), upping the ante to get a deal with the Taliban and enacting a centrist, moderate law that for the first time in history ensures that anyone can get health insurance in this country … really, in perspective, pretty damn remarkable.”

—Andrew Sullivan, October 14, 2010

Or, as the Crank calls him…the worst president in U.S. history.  Hah!  I will say it again, so some day it will sink in:  Obama’s 1.65 trillion was a Hail Mary pass of Bill-blical proportions–a move that so far has worked.  I predicted the double dip recession within two years, it’s over that now.  His deficit was NOT the cause of the problem.  The only people who believe that can unhook the electrodes and climb out of the friggin tub any time now. Renounce Fox today and join the Z-Party! Now accepting applications.

As for my predictions and my posts, they’re all posted on the site.  Use our search page and search by author and read a couple.  If you think I erred somewhere, hit the contact button.  I, unlike a certain someone of Shamanic persuasion, will respond to your comments. If you can find something the Crank predicted accurately…well, good luck with that.

Of course, there’s a couple of things I have been wrong about…I still believe, Sanjaya!  But, for the most part, the chicken entrails the Ghetto Shaman uses as a prediction method has served me well.  Thanks, old friend. And, as for the Foxeteers and the rest of the increasing number of unconscious beings roaming the western world, Carl Jung said it best:

“Inescapable of learning from the past, incapable of understanding contemporary events, and incapable of drawing conclusions about the future.”

—C.G. Jung

Hey, let’s start another war and let the world’s greatest healthcare system ignore even more sick Americans.  No, no. I got it…let’s just cut spending on things we really can’t or won’t ever really cut!  Oooh, how about, we keep the Bush tax cuts despite all economic reason, because so many credible people on Fox think this couldn’t possibly fail a second time. No, no, wait…

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.