London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.
“We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence,” said Her Majesty the Queen. “I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!”
The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.
The Queen also warned students today, “The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that.”
Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.
“It’s preposterous,” said the Queen, “at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style.”